Sigh. That’s nice.

I think what I need to remember are words that came out of my very own damn smart mouth:

“When I trust my client, I trust myself as a coach.”

And that’s where it should begin and end. When I trust my client, I’m able to review what they say, to create clarity, to reflect and offer support, to plan, to ask powerful questions, to follow alongside my client, to dance, to be curious, to withhold judgment, to acknowledge, to explore, to celebrate, to create action, to be aware and create awareness, to energize and have heaps of fun.

All of things on that list were things that, according to Sheri and my classmates, I did in 15 short minutes.

I love being a coach.

I started Supervised Coaching tonight & I’m just in heaven. Man, I wish that this was a mandatory class for the last 2 years I’ve been doing this program. The other students are great coaches are great peers, and the teacher Sheri is top notch. While she does focus on the “positive” aspects of each 15-min laser session that occurs, she doesn’t not call you out when you take the wrong path, like I did today.

I started kicking arse and taking names. I knew that I was focused, direct, energetic, and hitting most of the ICF Core Competencies. And then I looked at my watch and saw that I was 12 minutes in, and I picked the wrong fork in the road: the one that says, “Can I offer you a suggestion?” Instead of following that up with a direct question – one that I had on the tip of my tongue – I told the client what I thought he should do. I TOLD him! It was ridiculous! And in the middle of it I had to stop and say, “Ugh, I’m totally giving you advice right now” – but the even worse part was I thought (I really did think) that what I was doing was OK. It’s OK to give a suggestion if you ask and the client says “Yes, please.” Isn’t it? Uh, no. No, it’s not. And I need to cut it out because it’s absolutely ruining my “genius” (Sherri’s words, not mine) coaching.

I need to stop the advice giving.

I need to stop the multiple questions.

I need to talk 25-50% less than I do.

These are not “shoulds”. These are not “wants”. These are “needs”.

Thankfully, I feel that this class will kick these bad habits to the curb and will rewire my brain – maybe not totally, but enough to make a difference. Enough to be a “genius” coach at least most of the time. I know I have it in me. I know I can do it.

It’s time to focus (there’s that word again!). The time is now.

*

Today I’m grateful for my Supervised class & teacher (duh)!

This is obviously one of the most important modules for a coach, since asking questions is really at the foundation of what we do (and listening, duh). But what blew my mind was this:

It has been proven in a study that the coaches that are liked the best are the ones that talk the least.

I’m talking 2% here, people. Imagine being in a conversation with someone and only talking to them 2% of the time?! But with a likeable coach, we’re not talking about just listening, nodding and grunting, allowing the client to run their mouth off. We’re talking about allowing the silences to be living things, and asking very pointed questions.

While 2% is a really unrealistic number for me to aim for personally (and I also think I work with the kind of clients that would like a BIT more dialogue, and I would be bored easily by only talking .9 minutes – not even a whole minute! – in every 45 min session), I see what I need to do to ask more useful questions that “create more learning”, as Angela put it. I’ve become good at recognzing and then not breaking the silence, but I have gone back to my old habit of asking leading/multiple choice questions. I hear myself doing it.

I found recently that the way I coach on ICA calls is VERY different than how I coach a client during a 45-min session. I know that in the 20-30 minutes I have to coach during a class, there needs to be focus, there needs to be clarification, there needs to be an open mind and questions, questions, questions. During a regular session there’s not the “what do you want to do this week?” or “what do you want to work on today?” question, and there needs to be. I also need to stop trusting that I know this client – especially as the number of sessions get higher – and make sure that they’re clarifying what I’m hearing. I need to trust that my client has the answer – I’m the blank slate that will get them there.

That was an “a-ha!” moment for me. I need to trust that the client has their own answer.

I also really, really liked what Angela put on the table when I asked her what to do when the client asks you for your personal experiences, or wants to become more friendly in general. She quoted from Choice Theory when she said, “We are the sum of the choices that we’ve made.” Every choice is unique, and the sum of all of those choices makes us unique. You can advise someone to do something similar, but there’s going to be at least one variable that’s different. It’ll be impossible for them to get the same outcome.

I think I’ll keep that in my back pocket when a client throws the responsibility onto me.

*

Today I’m grateful for sick days. I might have to take one tomorrow

But Angela ended this class with something so powerful I couldn’t walk away from it to call friends & clean my bathroom (don’t be jealous). We were talking about what makes a coach extraordinary, and she asked:

What are two things that are preventing you from being an extraordinary coach?

The first thing that comes up for me is doubt. Or fear. Not of being a coach, but of being a successful entrepreneur. Not having guaranteed income is so scary for me, and the thought of putting all this effort into When I Grow Up to have it land with a splat is……horrifying. Depressing. Disastrous. All those things.

The second thing that comes up for me is my day job. If I had $1,000,000 I could wake up, coach, take a class or two, coach again, work on my business, and have my personal life. My business would grow exponentially (at least in my dream) and I could grow as a coach, as a business owner, and as a person. Ah.

She then asks:

Are these 2 things perceived or realistic?

What are you going to do about these things? and

Are you willing to get rid of those two things?

Some scary crap came out of those follow-up questions! The last one was the clinker. Am I willing to get rid of my day job? Hell no! At least not yet. I need the security blanket to live in NYC and to make sure my coaching business has a chance to be successful.

I’m going to make sure these questions are a part of my “rotation” and that I use them in all aspects of my life.

Powerful stuff.

*

Today I’m grateful for free time at work.

Regardless, I feel like we really clarified H’s goals today, and focused them down to The Big 3. The Big 3 are actually a bit too Big for my taste, so I was proud of myself for emailing a follow-up and asking if he would be comfortable choosing just one to work on right off the bat. We’ll see what he says.

I can’t wait to sink my teeth into my ideal client type! That sounded gross, but I didn’t mean it literally.

*

I’m grateful today for my hubby feeling better after the stomach flu bit him today. Poor schmoopie.

I loved how Isabelle, the teacher, noted that it was when I let go of my preconcieved notions as to where I wanted her to go & just became present that the session soared. I felt like she was one of the only ones that noticed I did that – I got other feedback referring to acknowledgement, clarifying, listening (someone even said that there wasn’t an ICF core competency that I missed!), and confidence – and it immediately clicked. It was ironic that I was coaching my client on how to conduct her first session and what she should do if she doesn’t know where to go! But I didn’t fall into the trap of telling her what to do. I admitted that I was stuck, blabbed on a bit, and put it back on my client with the particulars: “What can you do in the next week, before the first session, so that you will feel confident and prepared?” She came up with what would work for her. And she had a take-away from the session.

I’m growing. And I still love, love coaching. And I want to get nothing but better and better at it. I’ll keep you posted.

And it’s exciting to work with “H”. As a former classmate of mine who is unhappy with his “regular person” career and lack of creativity in his life, I forced him to let me coach him. I put a gun to his head and said “You are EXACTLY who I want to coach! Let me help you PUH-LEEZE!” OK, there was no gun & he couldn’t see my begging on my knees through the computer, but he said yes anyway & I was thrilled.

Our first session – which always scares me (What does he expect? What will we talk about? Does he know what he’s getting into?) – went really well. I feel like I SEE the heart of his challenge but I don’t know yet how to have him see it for himself. And that’s not to say that I know what his decisions should be or I know what path he should choose, but I feel like I know what’s been holding him back. I’m going to tear through my class material and some exercises before next week & see if there’s anything I can grab onto that would help me guide him into this clarification.

In the meanwhile, I’m getting great insight as to the general challenges and questions that an ideal client of mine would have, and the wheels are spinning as to what to blog about, and the tools that I could create, and what packages I can offer. But everything is still fuzzy, so I’ll breathe through it & keep it in my back pocket until later.

*

Today I’m grateful for freak-outs and tantrums. Sometimes they’re real eye-openers.

And yes, I’m still focusing on “silence”, but it’s hard with “S” because she’s a chatty one (told you we had a lot in common!). I feel sometimes if I don’t jump in there she’s talk for the whole session. Although it would be interested to see one session if that’s the case!

What I’ll remember from this session are two cliches with oh so much truth in them:

“Feel the fear – and do it anyway.”

“It’s imperitive that you live your dream so others can live theirs.”

Amen!

*

Today I’m grateful for an inexpensive dinner of turkey meatloaf & 2 sides in a gourmet supermarket. It’s the little things.

This week we got to speak a bit about PR opportunities, and what you should have prepared should one come your way. Time to work on a bio & an intro!

Coaching process is such a difficult topic, because, as Angela explained, it’s literally you. Your style, your personality, your strengths, your weakness. It seems interchangeable to your model, but it was then described that if your model is a bike then the coaching process is how the bike is ridden. If that makes sense. It did when she explained it.

The biggest take-away I had here, though, was to learn that I must enjoy the silence. I’ve heard this before, and it’s always been a big goal with me & my big mouth, but I’m going to keep it at the front of my mind with my new Peer Client I start with tomorrow. I’ll report back!