Category Archive

I don’t think I wrote after my last session - I’m so fired.

This session was great because Holly & I brainstormed as to all the ways I can freely/cheaply market myself. I really thought that I had all of my bases covered, but I discovered so many more ways to get When I Grow Up out there into the creative world! Now I need to find the time to do it……

Elevator speech, elevator speech, elevator speech!

I think I might eat, sleep, and dream about elevator speeches this week. I was so excited last week after I spoke to Holly that I wrote mine on the spot:

“My name is Michelle Solomon, and I’m a career and life coach for young professionals with a creative streak. Some are sick of pounding the pavement, and are now looking for direction in uncovering a new, stable career that they can be enthusiastic about. Others have left those artistic pursuits behind for a stable day job, and want to incorporate their talents back into their lives on their own terms. Either way, they’re discovering who they want to be when they grow up - & I get to go along for the ride!“

I really like the way it reads, and I thought I liked how it sounded, but when I read it to Holly it felt so non-conversational and……fake. So let’s see how that would sound if someone says to me “So, what have you been up to?”

“I’m studying to be a life coach and am in the process of launching my practice.”

“Cool. What do you do as a life coach? I’ve heard of that before but I’m not sure what they do.”

“Well, life coaches help clients define their goals as well as giving them a new perspective on how to get there. So I do that specifically with creative types - either people that are sick of pounding the pavement and want to find a stable job that they can be excited about, or people that have been in a day job for years and want to bring their artistic talents back into their lives. Basically, I’m helping people figure out who they want to be when they grow up!”

Ah. Much better. And I have 10 seconds to spare, since an elevator speech should be around 30 seconds. I still feel like there might be something missing, in terms of what I bring to the table, or the specific way that I coach, but in all fairness, I’m not sure how I do that yet! So my elevator speech will be a variable thing that is always growing and changing.

Tomorrow I’m going to a fundraiser for a theater company that I work with, and figure it’s the perfect opportunity to try out my elevator speech (actors LOVE to ask other actors, “So, what are you up to?” It’s polite & competitive at the same time). Bring on the creative types!

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Today I’m thankful for air conditioning. Air conditioning, I love you.

I love having a set time each week to discuss my business building! Without my scheduled sessions, I think that this would have gotten pushed back to being a 2009 goal, especially with all of my other (big, fat, huge, major) commitments. Instead, in 4 short weeks, I have:

* the start of an elevator speech (to be completed by Friday)

* a website that is up & running (but not launched yet - it’s not ready! But it will be soon and you will hear it here first!)

* a targeted niche (that can come with targeted marketing)

* a great understanding of who I want to help and why I started coaching in the first place!

I know that by the time I stop being coached by Holly, I’ll be a full-fledged business with all the necessities: a name, a website, a logo, a welcome packet, a services breakdown, business cards, and a marketing plan. Imagine that.

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I’m grateful for my business coach Holly who keeps me on the right track and helps me clarify my goals!

It was nice to focus on business building with Holly today. I hate to admit it, but it’s so much better than the Business Building classes at ICA! Probably because I get to focus on ME for 45 min/wk instead of on whatever the teacher (or the class) decides to talk about. I’m such a selfish bastard.

I get so animated when I talk about making When I Grow Up my career, that it helps squelch negative answers to questions such as:

“What are you getting yourself into?”

“Are you crazy?”

“Is this really - FINALLY! - the one that’s going to stick?”

The answer is yes. Yes, OK! YES! And YES it’s scary, and YES it’s a bit crazy, but YES it will be worth it, because it’s what I love and enjoy.

I’ve been kicking things into high gear with When I Grow Up. I started a blog yesterday (see link on the blogroll) and might actually have a website up by the end of the week! I’ll make sure to keep you all posted.

Next up: elevator speech. Can I really only limit myself to talk for only 30 seconds?

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Today I’m grateful for Bryant Park and my lunch break. Mostly, sitting in Bryant Park during my lunch break, with a slight breeze on a warm day with no humidity. Spring in NY is unfrackingbelievable.

I’m really proud of myself because I spent the first part of my session acknowledging my good work! I spoke to Joanne, my 1st Peer Coach, yesterday and realized I’m being too hard on myself. So one of the things I’m working on is cutting myself some slack! I really feel like I made a big leap in de-stressing myself and not letting my mind (and my To Do list) control my mood and actions.

So today I focused on business building! I’m really getting the itch to get things up and running, especially since my job satisfaction has gone downhill lately. I want to get my website up, a business plan on paper, a logo for my company, and some business cards. That should take……about a week, right? WRONG!

I think my first step is to buy the book that Holly recommended, as well as talk to Luke about building a site. He builds great ones, but I don’t want to have to rely on him to get into it, update it, tweak it, etc. But I should use him to help me (it’s not like I keep him around for his good looks and personality or anything)!

It’s really odd, working with more than 1 coach. I like it in order to see different coaching styles and approaches (and Holly definitely has similar personality traits to me), but it’s tough not to compare side by side. I feel like working with Holly will be as beneficial as working with Joanne, but I’m going to come to my realizations in a different way. With Joanne, things would often smack me in the face (for lack of a better way to say that). With Holly, I feel like things will come out in a more roundabout way - but I can distinguish in my blabbering what she’s asking me and how I need to change my thinking.

It was nice to talk and clear my head about all of my To Dos that are making me bonkers, and actually giving voice to my wants. I definitely saw a new perspective in giving wedding To Dos to my pre-husband (maybe he’s asking for things to do because he wants to be involved!), as well as breaking things down and asking myself what has to be done this week. If it doesn’t have to be done, then I’m not gonna do it! Is something on my To Do list for that day and only that day? No? Then close the To Do list and come back tomorrow!

The blinders are going on as of……….now.

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I’m grateful today for the way that spring in NY feels.

The noise in my head is getting out of control. The Usual Suspects are all coming around - time management, having to be productive every moment of every day, having my To Do list stressing me out, feeling like I have no time to myself, bouncing from one task to the other without getting anything done - and they won’t just let me be.

I did such great work with Joanne and I’m pissed that it’s slipping away. But, to my credit, I realized all this stuff is making me nutso / stressed / crazy and I reached out for a new Peer Coach. I just finished my first session with Holly, and although we’re both Chatty Cathys I think it will be a good fit. We start “for real” next week, and I’m looking forward to see what she’ll bring to the table.

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Today I’m grateful for wanting to change and having the self-respect - and cajones - to do so.

If you can’t tell by the title, Session 12 is the last coaching session I have with Joanne. I can’t believe how far I’ve come in just three months! I found Joanne when I asked for help with balancing my classes, my new job, my theatrical life (particularly writing and performing a one-woman show), and my social life (not isolating myself from my boyfriend/family/friends). Even though I was the one putting so many things on my plate, I was also the one making myself stressed and miserable, putting a ton of pressure on myself to be all things to all people. With Joanne’s help, I was able to change my perspective and realize that I’m the one who controls both my time and my attitude (imagine that!). She helped me brainstorm ways to say “no”, how to not let my To Do List run my life, and how not to feel so tired and dragged down all the time. Two weeks in to a work/rehearsal/sleep schedule (those are the only 3 things I do now) 15 hours a day/4 days a week, I’m neither stressed nor miserable nor sick nor bitchy - and that’s a huge jump for me. Instead, I realize that I agreed to this schedule because it would allow me to incorporate what I love to do with what I have to do for a living, and I figured out in advance the challenges that came along with that and met them head-on. I’m also allowing myself to step back and take breaks - vegging out in front of the TV for an hour, taking a full hour away from the office for lunch - without making myself feel guilty for doing so. It’s literally a whole new world for me.

But I’m not sad this journey is coming to an end, because I know that in Joanne I found a coach, a colleague, a mentor, and a friend. I look forward to swapping challenges and accomplishments while building our businesses, and maybe one day we’ll appear on Oprah together!

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Today I’m grateful for my one day off, and not stressing on how I’m going to fill in!

I knew that these last 2 sessions were going to focus on how NOT to revert to the old me - the stressful, overwhelmed me who feels like there isn’t enough time in a day (or a week or a month) to get EVERYTHING done that I’ve committed myself to. And since my life will consist of 15-hour days, with a one hour break, 5 days a week - starting tomorrow - AND I have to move on top of it AND go to weddings and spend time with family and sacrifice my coaching time…….there’s no time to breathe. I don’t want to lose sleep, and get sick, and become a hermit and not see my friends. I want the show that I’m doing to be amazing because, if it’s terrible and I put so much of myself in it, I’ll be nothing but bitter and crazed and bitchy for no good reason at all.

So I’m going to stop and breathe. And make sleep my priority. And make sure that I learn how to say NO to myself (and I thought it was tough telling other people!). I need to take care of myself and put everything that I’ve worked so hard on with Joanne to the test. This IS my test! My ultimate test to how I put myself first, and say no, and prioritize my life and fill my time like it’s my own. Because it is my own. And I chose these choices. And I’ll choose how my time is balanced and my life is lived. And I’ll do it without the stress (OK, maybe some stress) or the bitching (OK, maybe a little bitching) because, I mean, I booked a show and that makes me happy. And who else can say that they have a great job, and they’re doing exactly what they want to do with their own time. I can.

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Can’t you tell what I’m gracious for now? If not, read the last line above.

I hate writing how many sessions I’ve had with my Peer Coach because it reminds me how little I have left! It’s gotten to the point where Joanne and I always go over our time, talking about coaching or ICA or even our personal lives. I’m so glad that Joanne reached out to me when I put myself out there as a Peer Client, because I feel like I found a friend and mentor as well as an amazing coach!

I was actually at a loss today as to what I wanted to work on, since I had so many wins to report! The biggest was that I got cast in a show, where I’m the only woman in a cast of 4 and I play 4 parts. I’m so, so excited about it even though it’s going to take over my life! The second biggest (although it doesn’t feel like it - OK the Also Biggest) was that I came up with my coaching name and bought my url - what a weight off! Joanne was right when she said to pay attention to the name that you keep coming back to, and this name was one of the first (or the first) that I came up with when I started brainstorming. So - drumroll please - my coaching business is called….

When I Grow Up

whenigrowupcoach.com

 I get so excited when I see it - it really encompasses everything I wanted to express, and it excites me into thinking of everyone I’ll help figure out who they want to be when they grow up.

I think, though, that what I’ll need during my last two sessions with Joanne (tear) is a plan of attack for when my life blows up - aka 16-Hour-Days-5-Days-A-Week-Plus-Moving-Plus-5-Hours-Of-Rehearsals-On-Weekends. It’s really the only drawback to getting this show, and I know it’s going to be very difficult for me to handle without getting (a) sick (b) stressed and (c) bitchy. Not fun.

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I’m grateful today for being able to take my time. Knowing that my free time won’t really be my own for the next two months lets me really milk it for all that it’s worth!

I can’t believe I only have 2 more sessions left with Joanne! She has been such a great big positive in my life and every time I get off the phone with her I feel excited and motivated - even when I’m a bit sad, like I am now.

I wanted to address my financial problems a bit, because even though I spend so much time tracking and planning and budgeting I don’t end up with the cushion I want at the end of the month to put towards my debt/savings. I do pay the minimums always, so my credit is still good, but I want to pay off way more than that. I want to see that number go down until it just disappears.

But even though I spend all this time, and feel so committed, my social life nips it in the bud. I said to Joanne, “”I’m not willing to sacrifice my social life for money”, and when she read it back to me I knew that’s what gets me - the food, the booze, the parties in Brooklyn where I take a cab home. That’s where my debt and my savings are going. But at the same time, I will never choose staying home over meeting with friends. And friendships in NYC revolve around booze and food, and I don’t see how I can change that (I’m not one of those “let’s go to spin class together!” friends. Besides, you can’t talk and catch up over spin class!).

But what really hit home for me, and made me sad, is when Joanne said, “Do you think that you’re punishing yourself for getting yourself into this situation?” Yes yes yes. God, yes. Nobody else is telling me that all this debt makes me a bad person, or I have to stay inside for the rest of my life and eat Ramen to make up for it. I’m the one making myself feel guilty. I’m the one taking hours out of every week to track, and balance, and plan for…..something I end up screwing up. I need to commend myself a bit on the fact that I’m not getting into debt further - I’m not using any of my credit cards at all right now. So even though it’s going to take a while to dig out, I need to be OK with that because it’s not going to get much bigger.

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Today I’m grateful for a writer of a show that I did almost 7 years ago remembering me, reaching out to me, and bringing me in to an audition today. I like to remind myself how much fun it is to act and sing, and that I’m good at it, and that I’ve come to peace with it not being what my life and value and being revolves around.

OK, I’m officially driving myself crazy.

Joanne really helped spark some ideas for what to name my business, and left me with an idea to read reviews of hit Broadway shows to see what phrases are often used. Great idea - especially after my top name, Standing Ovation Coaching, was already taken. I wanted something that is theater-related but that everyone knows, so I can give a throwback to my acting life while attracting creative clients (and not alienating non-creative types). So, I’ve read through the hits that are currently on Broadway and came up with………..nothing exciting. Star Power. Stage Presence. Round of Applause. Applause Coaching? Nah, too blah.

I thought that Growing Up Coaching was “it”, but then when I wrote it and read it it looked like “Growing Up Brady” or “growing up Jewish.” That’s not what I wanted to convey! So I went back to “When I Grow Up Coaching” - same thing! So now do I try coming up with a whole new name or do I drop the “Coaching” from the title (ie Growing Up - A Life Coaching Business)?

All of the names I really liked were taken, like Gold Star Coaching and Leaps & Bounds Coaching. I came across Flying Colors Coaching, and that was perfect! Why can’t I get the perfect name? Something playful but not flippant; inspiring but not hippy-dippy; something that conveys MY MISSION STATEMENT:

I want to help my clients:
* discover what it would take to live a passionate, successful, healthy, vivacious life
* release burdensome values, goals, & priorities that might have come from other sources
* recognize - and listen to - the voice in their head that’s pointing them on their own unique path
* give them the tools to create and maintain the life they’re looking to lead

Ugh, it’s too frustrating?! If anyone out there reads this blog (not including you, Joanne) and has an opinion please let me know!

OK, calming down and moving on…..

I had a bit of an epiphany today (I do love that word, Joanne! Although Epiphany Coaching feels too religious to me) when telling Joanne about a time this weekend that I was very assertive in ensuring that I got what I want. I spoke up for myself and held my ground, and I didn’t realize at the time that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me - only that I not get taken advantage of. But what I now noticed is that, even while I might have displayed an “unlikeable” part of myself, I got the respect of someone there and I think she liked me more for it! I never really thought that some people would walk away from a situation with a better perception of you if you stand up for what you believe and not let anyone else knock you down - especially if they’re too shy to speak for themselves!

Today I am grateful for  being approved for the second apartment I saw, and not having to live through the horror of trying to find a new home!

I coached Joanne and didn’t suck!

We spent most of our session today talking about the business side of coaching (client software, websites, business names, etc) and then I finally owned up to being very cowardly about taking on clients. I told her how I was afraid that I will put it off forever just by thinking of something else that I “need” to have ready, or that I can infinitely say that I “need” more classes.  I know that this goes back to my perfectionist streak, where I don’t even want to start something unless I know that I’ll be perfect at it. And while I’m thinking of it, it’s been a long time since I tried something new and was unsure of being less than good. I can’t keep putting this pressure on myself, and I know that I can lift the burden just by telling myself that it’s OK not to “be perfect”. I’ll still be helpful and good and nice and loveable if I’m not perfect.

But Joanne also made me stop beating myself up over trying to let go too much. I need to figure out where my comfort zone is, and know that it’s OK to stay there. What do I really need in order to take on my first client? Do I need a website? Do I need business cards? Do I need a welcome packet? Here’s what I need before I feel comfortable taking on my first client:

* a business name

* a registered web site (maybe with an Under Construction page that lists my contact info?)

* a thorough Welcome Pack

Here’s what I need when I start looking out of my immediate network for clients:

* a functioning website

* business cards

* a blog

* a business logo

So, there’s my list. I think that, with the stress of moving into a new apartment fast approaching, I’m going to give myself a Due Date of Jan 1, 2007 for  my first list to be done. Part of me thinks that’s too late, but if I push it up to Dec 1 it conflicts with my move, so I know that’s not realistic. On Jan 1, I’ll put a post on the ICA discussion board to seek my first Peer Client. I don’t think I’ll be ready for a paying client yet, but a peer one I can handle.

I also think that I should volunteer to be the coach in class as well. It used to scare the daylights out of me, but since Joanne was so awesome in just saying, “Coach me right now” (especially 10 minutes after our call was supposed to end) that I just went for it. I feel very comfortable with Joanne and it was a no pressure situation, so it really helped me ease into things.  I know that my big challenge as a coach will be not to offer advice, and when I found myself about to do that I would say, “How would Joanne phrase this?” That really helped me go about paraphrasing what I heard, and asking questions as opposed to offering different solutions. It was tough, however, to keep track of what popped into my head while she was speaking. I was taking notes on what she said, but then lost what I wanted to bring up. Maybe that was OK, though, since I would have had to of tuned her out for a few moments to jot down my ideas. And I’m not here to give her my ideas - I’m here to help her figure out her own! Anyway, I believe her when she said that I really helped her, and it feels great!

Today I’m very appreciative of the new attitude I feel I have towards my life, my time, and my goals.I realized today that it no longer makes me tired to think, “I have to go to work, I have class, I’m trying to start my coaching business, I’m writing a cabaret show for myself, I still hang with my friends, I’m in a committed relationship….” because it’s all things that I’m doing on my own time and my own terms. It’s really energizing and I’m excited to keep growing in this new way.

I feel 10 pounds lighter right now!

I feel like I just got rid of my lies - those little white ones that you tell to get you out of a previous committment, or ones that make your boyfriend not look bad, or ones that let you get out of an invitation graciously. Even if I wasn’t asked “Why?” after saying “Sorry, I/she/he can’t make it” or “Sorry, I have to reschedule”, I would physically be unable to keep my mouth shut and a lie would come tumbling out.

“He couldn’t leave work early.”

“I’m not feeling well.”

“I have a late meeting at work.”

“I have to go to Long Island for a family birthday.”

Only about 50% of my excuses would actually be true. The other 50% were made up to make me up in the best possible light. And then, in my brain that has a notoriously bad memory (”I saw that guy that was in our English class in 7th grade….He had brown hair….I went to school with him for 10 years….His name is Brian? Or Scott? Maybe Steve? C’mon, work with me here!”), I would try to store these excuses in case they were called upon later. And although 90% of the time they never were, I remain at a constant stress level to keep everything straight - just in case.

Now, after brainstorming with Joanne and figuring out why I always offer an excuse (to make me look good/to spare the other person’s feelings/to beat the other person to the punch), I’m challenging myself to stop. Just stop! So the conversation will now go like this:

She: “Hey, why isn’t Luke here?”

Me: “Oh, he couldn’t make it.”

STOP!

If - horror of horrors - they ask, “Why not?” I will provide the most perfect answer ever given:

“He had some personal things to attend to.”

He had some personal things to attend to! My coach Joanne is a genius! If anyone follows up with “What?” after that, then they’re an idiot and I won’t waste my time stressing myself out to make an excuse.

I feel like the Heavens should part and an “Hallelujah!” chorus should come tumbling out. I am rid of my excuses since I’ve found that the best excuse of all is…..no excuse.

The last ICA/coaching class I had was my Peer Coach session last week, so it was nice to get back into the groove after a week of Jew stuff/weddings. Joanne left me with such wonderful things to say about my work ethic and attitude, so I’m feeling pretty good right now. Even though I can feel the progress that I’m making, and it’s affecting me every day, it’s still nice for someone else to recognize it. Especially since it’s something not easily recognizable! I mean, Luke isn’t going to say to me, “Hey babe, did you tell anyone No today?”

But she did leave me with a scary action which I accepted simply because it’s as empowering as it is scary. I have to draft an email to my cousin, asking her why she invited me family to her wedding after not speaking to us for 10 years. Joanne made me see the best and worst case scenario, and said that the outcome of going to this wedding would shape whether or not it would be a good scenario for me. Will I be shunned? Will I be welcome with open arms? Shunned = bad times; Open Arms = good times and a possible relationship with a family member that I really liked (at least 10 years ago). In my past life, I would have given in to my mother’s guilt and just went, being anxious about how we would be received and why we were there, and being upset to give up my personal time and energy for something that I wasn’t looking forward to.

In talking and listening to Joanne, I thought, “Why can’t I just figure this out before I go? Why can’t I do what I want her to do for me - write an email and see how I’m doing, what I’m up to, and to tell me that she wants to see me? If I send her an email, I think I’ll know the outcome of the wedding based on the response. She’ll either be happy that I reached out to her and offer those words of encouragement, or she’ll write back halfheartedly, if she writes back at all. Either way, it’ll help me sleep better when I reach my decision.”

I used to be a 10 year old girl who would always, always, always tell a friend when she hurt my feelings. Now I’m an “adult” who avoids confrontation and just wants to support everyone (sometimes instead of myself). I want to find the balance and be able to take the driver’s seat again. And this scary, empowering challenge will help me do just that.

It’s a lightning bolt moment! I think that Joanne really helped me figure out a way to get the burden off of my shoulders and help me not feel so freakin’ buried all of the time: a Brilliant Ideas book.

In talking about my “flakiness” - aka starting a ton of projects that I don’t finish (and then get on my To Do List for years to follow),  having 7 jobs in 4 years, etc - a key sentence came out of my mouth:

“I’m enthusiastic about the idea, but not the execution.”

I realized that I’ve spent countless hours researching, and building, and preparing, only to let projects go because they get stale, or I don’t have time, or it’s too much work. So much time, effort, and energy goes into nothing! So Joanne suggest that I start a book, or have an Inbox, that houses all of my ideas where they can stay, well, ideas. And then I can only look at them when I’m itching to start something new, and I can tackle them one at a time so it doesn’t get overwhelming.

“Name your book something empowering. Something descriptive.” I laughed and said “Brilliant Ideas!” I’m so excited to have a place to scribble what I’d like to happen someday - not what needs to happen now. In talking with Joanne, I realized that it might be worthwhile to write my idea on the To Do List and date it. If it doesn’t get done within a month, it gets put in the Brilliant Ideas book. That way, it’ll (a) show me if something is urgent or really important and (b) might put my butt into gear to do the small things just so they don’t have to go in the book! It’ll also make my To Do List a real To Do List, full of things that actually have to get done - not of things that I’d like to do.

Joanne didn’t ask me to do this, but I’m excited to see what happens if I replace the word “must” in my 10 Unwritten Rules with “prefer.”  What will it show me about how much of these rules come from within me, or frm within others that influence me? Here they are again:

Unwritten Rules I Live By, by Michelle

1. I prefer to be liked by everyone I meet, everywhere I go. As Joanne says, “Doesn’t everyone?” This definitely comes from within me, the actress part probably. I like being the one that stands out, whether it’s by my actions or my clothes or my sense of humor. I’m learning little by little that if someone isn’t friendly or including of me (which happens often in my job, where I’m “the new girl”), not to take it personally. Part of me is a bit relieved because I don’t feel like I have time for new friends!

2. I prefer to be “busy” as long as I’m awake. That’s definitely true. I have also, thankfully, learned to appreciate the art of “doing nothing” (aka reading, taking a bath, watching TV or a DVD) - just not every day. I’d like to, though!
3. I prefer to not do just one task at a time. Life is too short to just watch my favorite TV show! See above.

4. I prefer to be everyone’s friend who wants to be my friend, even if they don’t bring value to my life. No way! Why would I want that? Who singled me out as be-nice/have-pity-on-everyone-girl? I don’t want to be that girl anymore!

5. I prefer to never fail big. Little failures are acceptable if you make excuses for them. That excuses part sucks. I don’t want to make excuses any more. I don’t like failing big, though. It doesn’t feel good.
6. I prefer to be perfect. I guess this one has a lot of truth in it, too. I do want to be perfect at everything I do, and I need to learn to accept that I’m not going to perfect - or sometimes even good - at everything. Or most things! And that has to be OK.

7. I prefer to be very successful. Yes, please, I’d like a big super-gulp cup of “very successful.” That would be great. “Very successful” means having a wonderful family, unconditional love and support, respect and admiration of your peers/colleagues/friends, amazing friendships, a thriving career that you love, and so much money that you never have to worry about paying for anything. Ever.

8. I prefer to meet and exceed everyone’s expectations of me, especially my own. I hate feeling like I let someone down. To be honest, I’m used to having people have high expectations of me (let’s just say that I know how to interview), and when I don’t meet them I feel very ashamed and embarrassed. Like I lied to their face. It’s not a place that I ever want to be.

9. I prefer to be “on” all of the time. Not all of the time - that’s exhausting. I want to get to a point where I’m not “on” or “off” - I’m just me. But I feel like most people don’t know “me” - they know the people pleaser.

10. I prefer to be dependable, on time, and available when someone needs me. I do, to all of these points. A complete truth!

Today I’m grateful for the upcoming time I’m going to be able to spend with my family and my boyfriend. Even though I hate traveling (not the part where I’m in a new place-  the part where I have to pack my bags and get there), I love that I’m going to be able to go to temple with my family this week, and then go to FL for a long weekend with my boyfriend and his close friends. I’m looking forward to getting away and being with those that I love.

Joanne not only sparked some great ideas today, she also lifted me out of the funk that I’ve been in since mid-afternoon. I was feeling very stressed today for an unknown reason, but this isn’t rare for me. I try to point my finger on it, but usually fail. Is it my big fat debt that’s stressing me out? Or is it the work meeting that I have tomorrow? Or is it the fact that almost half of Sept is already “reserved” by wedding, babies, and Jew stuff and I’m feeling overwhelemed?

I’m getting to the point where I’m going to recognize what’s at the root of all of this and switch it off. Even if that’s too far-fetched (I’d be surprised if I came out the other end being this relaxed person that never put any pressure on herself), I feel like I’m going to at least be able to dim it.

When I explained to Joanne how I feel guilty about not reaching out to a friend - even if it’s a friend that I’ve decided to no longer pursue a friendship with - she said “So what you’re saying is that you’re 100% responsible for this person’s life and relationships?” I nodded throughout her statement, and then answered “Yes!” while laughing, because I knew that it was just utterly ridiculous.  And I don’t want to figure out how to sever ties with this girl - I want t discover how to not  feel guilty about it. It all comes back to a sense of responsibility, and whether it’s with an old “friend” or a box of papers that should have been filed 6 months ago, the burden is always on my shoulders.

Because my time seems to not become my own, and because I told Joanne that - while I do look forward to seeing my friends - my brain goes on overload if I see too many activities on my calendar. I need some breathing room, but I also like knowing when I’m getting quality time with the friends who I love (we’re all very busy, extremely popular people) . Joanne said to give some thought to how much time to give my friends - both ones that I value seeing and other, low-priority friends - and when The Friend Budget is up, I can’t see any more friends. It’s freaking me out a bit, but it really intrigued me at the same time. So, I’m going to try to figure out what my friend budget is, as well as giving myself a budget for the rest of my “commitments”. And I’ll do it here on my blog. Lucky you guys!

So, here’s the ideal breakdown of my time:

1 week = 168 hours

TASK            TIME           TOTAL HOURS        HOURS LEFT
Sleep            51 hours            51 hours                        117
Work            55 hours            106                                62
ICA               6 hours              112                                56
Fitness         4 hours               116                                52
Luke            35 hours            151                                 17
Friends        10 hours            161                                 7
Me               5 hours               166                                2
Misc            2 hours                168                                0

I already see the difficulty in tracking this, since many activities overlap. For example, even though I was with Luke all day yesterday, for 2.5 I saw friends and for 1 hour I was reading, so does it count as Luke time or me time or friend time? I wanted to track all of these for a week, but now I see (a) this was a bad week to do it because of the holiday and (b) it’s going to make me even more anal and crazy than I already am. So, I’m going to do a Friend Budget (this only includes face-to-face time, not phone or email time), a Fitness Budget, and an ICA budget. Those are the three areas of my life right now that I need to either budget or stretch myself. I’m going to bump my ICA budget to 10 hours, too, so I can include writing my Welcome Pack, designing my business plan, and doing my homework.

The scary Coach Challenge that Joanne gave me was to write down all of those Unwritten Rules I Live By. I’m going to make sure that they all get put here, because I have a feeling I want to get all of them down so I can burn them. OK, maybe not all of them, but probably most of them. Here they are:

Unwritten Rules I Live By, by Michelle

1. I must be liked by everyone I meet, everywhere I go.

2. I must be “busy” as long as I’m awake.

3. I must not do just one task at a time. Life is too short to just watch my favorite TV show!

4. I must be everyone’s friend who wants to be my friend, even if they don’t bring value to my life.

5. I must never fail big. Little failures are acceptable if you make excuses for them.

6. I must be perfect.

7. I must be very successful.

8. I must meet and exceed everyone’s expectations of me, especially my own.

9. I must be “on” all of the time.

10. I must be dependable, on time, and available when someone needs me.

Ugh, this is getting depressing. I thought this was going to be more difficult, but I came up with The Big 10 in under 10 minutes!

Let’s switch to what I’m grateful about today. I am grateful for by proactive tendencies, and for confronting something scary and trying to become a better, happier person. I am grateful for having ICA and Joanne in my life and for the desire to actually pursue my wants and desires.

I’m chipping at the surface (I think). I completed my challenge last week not once but twice (once by taking an hour long bath with me, my book, and some bubbles; twice by spending a whole day with my best friends and not coming home at 10pm and “doing something”), and the values exercise that Joanne sent me was amazingly helpful. I went to a site where you had to choose your top 20 values from a list twice as long, and then half it, and half it again. You put those Top 5 Values in order of your priorities, and then - this was key for me - you define what it means. For example, here’s mine:

My most important value is:
Family Happiness
For me this means Ensuring that those I love (whether I’m related to them by blood, by marriage or by friendship) are healthy and happy, living the life they want to live

Another value is Health
For me this means Taking care of myself to ensure that I’m around for a long, long time

Another value is Friendship (Close relationship with others)
For me this means A mutual relationship that benefits all parties involved, that gives everyone a sense of support, comraderie, and a form of love

Another value is Pleasure (fun, laughs, a leisurely lifestyle)
For me this means To provide laughter and fun to those around me, and to receive it in return; to only chase after that which inspires and excites me

Another value is Integrity (honest, sincerity, standing up for oneself)
And this means Never allowing myself to be taken advantage of, and being upfront with those around me if I feel that my values and/or relationships are being compromised

While I know that I’m not using these values as much as I should (ie I’m not making all of my decisions based around them, which I aspire to do), it really put things in perspective for me. Instead of, “I shouldn’t eat that cheeseburger because it’ll make my fat” I say, “That cheeseburger is going to clog all of my arties and will make me die too early.” If I die too early, I can’t be around for “a long, long time” - which goes against my second (second!) value. I would like to get to a point where those values are sacred and would actually prevent me from eating the cheeseburger - but I’m not there now.

What was also eye-opening today was describing two friends of mine: one who I view as very lazy and unproductive, and another who has so many committments I don’t know how she can tell what day it is. I wouldn’t want to be my lazy friend (a 3 or 4 on a scale of 10, 10 being most productive) because I feel that his life of being stuck in a job he doesn’t like (but is too lazy to get out of) and spending nights with cable movies is a waste. However, I admired my lots-on-her-plate friend (a 15 on that productive scale) because she’s doing so much - she must be so fulfilled! But when I broke it down with Joanne, I realized, “Hey, I wouldn’t want that life.” I want to have time to charge my batteries, and bond with my friends, and talk to my man. To run from place to place to place isn’t much of a life either.

So, I know that I need to get my productiveness from an 8 or a 9 down to a 7. A 7 would be such a nice balance. It would allow me room for my passions and it would allow me room to breathe. I think I’m learning to focus on the breathing part more.

I just finished my first session with my peer coach! If I sound excited, it’s because I am - excited for having some guidance down the road to being un-crazy. OK, calling myself “crazy” is a bit harsh, but it sometimes feels like I’m living a crazy life before I’m constantly going, going, going - and when I stop going my mind is still racing, and I feel guilty for not being “productive” every single day. I have a To Do list 3 pages long, with many tasks that have been transfered from one To Do list to another for months upon months. It leads to me just feeling overwhelmed all the time.

I know that I have to “put myself first”, but that always seemed so selfish to me. Putting myself first made me feel scared that I was going to morph into this egomaniacal monster that people - gasp! - might not like. When Joanne told me that by placing my needs first, I was being selfless and putting myself into a better position to help others, I was skeptical. It wasn’t until she asked me, “If a car runs out of gas, is it going anywhere at all?” that I just got it. I thought back to last weekend, where my boyfriend and I went to Staples to buy a shredder. We walked the 4 blocks home in sweltering heat, I set the thing up, and it didn’t even come close to working. I was livid - we dragged the shredder home, and brought it upstairs, and now I have to repack it and drag it back, AND wait on the customer service line AND drag another one back home. I was freaking out about it - it seemed like such a waste of time and effort to me - but my boyfriend, meanwhile, looked at me and said “These things happen, babe.” I saw how I was acting through his eyes, and I thought, “I don’t want to be with me right now, why should he want to be with me? Why should we waste a whole Sunday together on me acting like a ridiculous baby?” So, my car ran out of gas, and not only wasn’t I going anywhere, but I was making everyone else push me.

Another great analogy that Joanne gave me was to think about what the flight attendants tell you before you take off - if you’re in an emergency situation, put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on the child next to you. Because what good are you to the child beside you if you’re dead in the aisle? No good! So if I don’t take care of myself, my stress and tension just snowballs and effects everyone around me.

I also loved that Joanne picked up on me saying “should” when I talked about the tasks that I had to do. Not that I “want” to do, or even “had” to do, but “should” do. Having her point out to me that that’s how I was phrasing it made me realize that maybe my To Do List isn’t that important after all.

So, my Coach Request this week was to do something for myself this week that is very self-indulgent, and not to multi-task while I do it. I love this homework! I’m also going to utilize Joanne’s suggestion that I make my To Do List into a What Matters Most list. While I don’t know if I could force myself to get rid of all of those nagging tasks (sew the hole in my sweater, file that box of papers, sell that pile of stuff on eBay), I’ll highlight the Ones That Matter and make sure that it includes putting myself first.

I’m so excited to start getting coached by Joanne Hunold of In Tandem Coaching. I’ll be helping her get certified by being coached for 12 sessions, and she’ll be helping me try to balance my life, relieve my stress (I sometimes call it my “busy head”), manage my money, and learn how to say “no.” I don’t know who’s getting a better deal, but I think that it might be me!

I haven’t gotten the opportunity to speak with Joanne yet, but I immediately felt like we were a great fit. She’s thinking of specializing on work/life balance, and I feel like that’s what I need help with more than anything. I know that the overwhelming feeling that I get when I’ve bitten off more than I can chew leads to a lot of my stresses, so if I can feel like I can manage all of my committments (and learn how to say “no” to things that aren’t on my priority list) then I think a lot of that stress would just disappear.

Joanne gave me a real thought-provoking questionnaire to fill out before westarted working together, and I just finished it. So, in order to really put myself out there - and to make me feel more accountable for my goals and actions - I decided to copy and paste the whole thing here. It’s really scary being so vulnerable, but I’m going for it because I know that it will add up to a richer learning experience.

Your Goals
What are the three biggest changes you want to make in your life in the next 3 months?
1. Learn how to balance/prioritize my responsibilities
2. Learn to say “No”
3. Get a handle on my debt and start building various savings accounts

What are the three biggest changes you want to make in your life over the next 3 years?
1. Get certified and start my own coaching practice!
2. Pay off my debt

3. Only have positive people in my life, and not feel a sense of guilt or obligation to do everything that is asked of me (or everything that I want to do!)

What do you most want to achieve? And do you feel ready for it?
I want, more than anything, to start my coaching practice and become self-employed. I feel that I’m making great progress by taking a “day job” that will fulfill my financial needs while providing benefits and a 401K, and also will not be a job that I’d have to take home with me. Having this financial secutiry will allow me to build up my nest egg so that, when I feel that I have a strong enough client base and can support myself full-time with my coaching, that I can let go of my day job and stand on my own two feet!

Your History
What would you say have been your 3 greatest accomplishments to date?
1. Getting into NYU for musical theatre
2. Being proactive and taking the journey to find a new passion, and signing up for these classes!
3. Not taking my ex back after he broke up with me / being able to see who he really was and not allowing him back into my life

What is the hardest thing in your life that you have had to overcome?
I know that this sounds ridiculous, but my parents divorce at age 19 was just as difficult as a sudden break-up with my live-in boyfriend of 5 years when I was 27. My parent’s divorce happened at a time where I was starting college and a life on my own, and - while deeply upsetting to me - wasn’t as earth-shattering if it had happened when I was an adolescent.

When my boyfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me suddenly, I had to move out of his apartment (where I paid $500/mo), to my own studio (for $1100/month). Because I did well as a real estate agent the year before, I didn’t think that the rent would be problematic - but my real estate career suddenly took a nosedive. The financial burden on top of the emotional burden was crushing at times, and I fell into a depression of sorts for at least 6 months. Cutting off all communication with him, trying to pay my way, and going into the dating world after such a long hiatus were all extremely difficult obstacles for me.

Who are or have been your major role models? My Mom has been a role model for me, since she’s been supportive of all of my dreams since Day 1. Our relationship, as well as the relationships that she’s had with others, have showed me that I should treat myself with respect and not tolerate anything that isn’t “good” for me (a sour friendship, an abusive boss, etc).

Have you worked with a coach before or a similar one-on-one adult relationship (e.g. tennis coach, piano teacher, or therapist)? If yes, what worked well for you and what did not work in the relationship(s)?
I’ve had a million teachers - acting, singing, piano, dance, tennis, swimming, science tutors, therapists..it goes on and on! I think support and encouragement is key for me. I ended up leaving teachers that took my money and helped me along, but didn’t really seem so interested in me. For example, I had a singing teacher for a long time that would constantly tell me what I should and shouldn’t sing at auditions - but, after being my teacher for 7 years he never came to see me in a show! I ended up leaving because I felt that, if he didn’t know how I was getting cast and what roles I was playing, he wasn’t able to give me advice on what I should and should not sing at auditions.

What major transitions have you had in the past two years? Entering or approaching a new decade, a new relationship, a new job, a new role, a new residence, change in children’s ages/stages, etc.?
So many!

I’ve been with my amazing boyfriend Luke for a year and a half, and we moved in together this past November. We compliment each other extremely well and treat each other with love and support, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. It still amazes me to this day that we’ve never had a fight, but I think that’s a testiment to the way we treat and speak to each other.

I’m starting my 4th (I think) new job in two years on Monday (8/20/07), so it’s been quite a struggle to find the right environment for me. As I explained before, though, I feel that this new job will be great for me in a lot of ways, and I feel that I’ll be there until I get my coaching practice off the ground (whenever that may be).

I’m also about to turn 30 in January, so I think that - while I’m not depressed or upset about The Big 3-0, it has subconsciously pushed me along in making all of these life changes for myself.

Improvements
List improvements you would like to make in the following areas of your life.

Family/home life: None
Financial situation: Get rid of credit card debt; max out my 401K; start saving for my coaching practice
Career or Business life: Get on the path to make my coaching practice a full-time - and lucrative - career. I also want to put together a 1-woman cabaret show for myself within the next year, too.
Personal Character: Figure out when to say NO (even if I might want to do it all) and make sure I have the time that I need for me, for Luke, for my coaching life, my social life and my acting life (it makes me exhausted just writing all of that)!
Relationships: I’d like to be able to sever some ties with the negative people in my life without feeling guilty
Leisure time: I’d like to have more free time, where I can do what I like best - take a bath, read on my roof deck, write in my blog, etc
Self-care: See above - plus, I’d like to make exercising an automatic part of my day instead of an afterthought.
Learning: ICA should take care of that!

Your Life
Who are the key people in your life and what do they provide for you?
Luke is my best friend, and he provides a home for me to laugh or cry in.

My Mom is someone that wants to hear everything that I’m doing, and wants to support me through all of my personal accomplishments or defeats. When I put something new on my plate, or decide to make a big transition (like become a life/career coach), she wants to learn all she can about it. When I do a show, she’s in the front row on the first night, always. She’s my biggest cheerleader.

I’ve known my best friend Lisa for 17 years, and she provides me a key to my adolescence and my history.

My best girfriends, Candace, Nancy, Erica and Alexis provide me with a place to gossip, and swap dating/relationship/career stories, and plan for the future, and laugh my head off.

Is your life one of your choosing? If not, which parts are being chosen for you? I choose too much for my life! The only parts being chosen for me are some social events, where I feel like I can’t say “no” because I’d either be missing out on something fun or I feel obligated to that person in some way.

What is your favorite part of your typical day? Coming home at night to Luke. We catch up on each other’s day and he always makes me feel better about anything that might have stressed me out.

What is your least favorite part of your typical day? Waking up! Mornings are hand for me, although I’d love to start waking up with enough time to blog, take a class, or exercise before work.

Looking at the past six months of your life, do you like the direction your life is moving in? Yes

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 high, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, rate the amount of stress in your life right now. 6

What are your primary stressors? Getting everything done, especially when I was looking for a new job! At least that’s off my plate. But as of now, I’m juggling:
* my new job
* my ICA classes
* putting together my cabaret show
* exercising 3-4 times/week
* my social life
* time with Luke
* “me” time

List five things that you are tolerating or putting up with in your life at present. (examples: info. you can’t find, clutter, rude friends, poor lighting, tight shoes, dented car, job dissatisfaction, dead plants, broken equipments, old appliances, etc.)
1. a huge pile of clothes to dry clean/hand wash/sew
2. a pile of stuff that I want to sell on eBay or Craig’s List (which is just clutter right now)
3. some friends that I see out of obligation
4. trying to stay within a budget (and not have it damper my social life!)
5. not being able to find time to exercise as much as I’d like to

Yourself
List five adjectives that describe you at your best.
1. Funny
2. Personable
3. Energetic
4. Inquisitive
5. Bright

List five adjectives that describe you at your worst.
1. Moody
2. Stressed
3. Snippy
4. Rude
5. Impatient

What are your 3 major concerns/fears about yourself?
1. I won’t have a career that I’m passionate about
2. I won’t have enough money to retire with
3. I won’t “be successful”

What are your 3 major concerns/fears about life?
1. Developing cancer (it runs in my family)
2. That no matter how hard you try, it might not be enough
3.

What motivates you? Doing something that I love, or that has a pay-off. For example, I’m motivated to exercise not because I love exercising (although I love some of my exercise classes), but because I know it’ll keep me at the weight I want to be at. But, I’m motivated to get certified so I can start working with clients, because I know that it would be a great reason for me to get up in the morning.

What are you learning/accepting about yourself at present? So much! That life isn’t just about trying to make it as an actress. That it’s OK to want new things for yourself - even if it’s not the things that others want. That it’s OK to not be everything to everyone. That it’s OK to have 7 jobs in 4 years, instead of settling for something that’s not satisfactory for you. That it’s OK to lose my pessimistic streak and start turning my negative thoughts into positive ones.

Coaching You
What would you like me to do if you get behind on your goals?
Kick my butt! Not literally, because that would be difficult to do from Arizona, but part of the reason I love coaching is that you’re accountable to someone. So make me accountable!

I must say, though, that I usually am the teacher’s pet and that it’ll be rare for me not to do my homework. BUT that’s not to say that I always do it thoroughly and honestly, so feel free to call me out if you feel that I’m not digging deep enough.

How will you know when you are receiving value (i.e. your money’s worth) from the coaching process?
If I stop feeling like I need massages to get all of the stresss-related tension out of my shoulders! Honestly, I feel that coaching will have made a difference if I start feeling like I’m managing my life instead of having it manage me.

What types of approaches discourage you or take away motivation?
Anything that comes from a place that will make me defensive, or make me feel like nothing will change. For example, I had a career counselor that suggested I get jaw surgery to make my bottom jaw smaller so that I can get more acting jobs - even though this was not a concern to me, nor was it applicable to my situation. This was completely out of line, made me lose focus with the task at hand, and made me feel unattractive and unmarketable.

Are there any alterations in my natural style you wish me to make when working with you?
I don’t think so! Our emails have been great, but I promise you I’ll bring it up if I feel that I don’t respond to something in your style when we have our calls.

Do you enjoy self-assessments and improvement programs? Yes

Here are ways coaching clients use me. Which appeal to you?
x Brainstorming strategies together
x Support, encouragement and validation
x Insight into who you are and your potential
Painting a vision of what you can become or accomplish
x Exploring and removing blocks and obstacles to your success
x Accountability; checking up on goals
Working through self-improvement programs together
x Suggesting or designing action steps

Potential and Possibility
Do you have a personal or professional vision? If so, what is it? Well, in my ideal life, I’d support myself as a coach. I think I’m going to specialize in career coaching for creative types - especially when they’re looking to transition out of that work and into something else that they can be passionate about. I’d be able to have a handful on clients that I coach on the phone, but I’d love to get involved with face-to-face group coaching as well as public speaking. I’d be able to blog and would be considered an expert in my field.

HOWEVER, I don’t want to take away from my “me” time, and my acting time, and my Luke time, and my social time! So while I know that being a coach would be very fulfilling, it also appeals to me because I can manage my own time, and wouldn’t have to give up working with the theatre company that I’m a part of.

What would you like to contribute to the world? I’d like to be someone that helped people find the road to their passion. I want them to say that, because of my coaching, that they’re happy to wake up every day.

What do you think is NOT possible to achieve in your lifetime that you wish you could? Be a professional actor, and support myself at that. After giving it a go for ten years, and after coming to a point in my life where I wouldn’t want to leave the loving relationships that I have in New York, I just don’t think that it’s the right path for me.

What is a dream or goal you have given up on? Being a professional actor. I couldn’t handle the unfulfilling day jobs, and being away from the people I loved, and the rejection over and over and over again.

What part of yourself, if any, have you given up on? I really don’t think I’ve given up on any part of myself.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, rate the quality of your life today. 8

If you reach the age of 95 and continue to live your life and order your time the way you are right now, what regrets do you think you will have? (tip: complete the statement “I wish I had…”) Do not include things from the past—only things you will regret if you continue your exact present path.
I wish that I had allowed myself to see things more optomistically, and to embrace each day with an inquisitive nature and lots of enthusiasm. I wish I let go of some of the cynacism, some of the jadedness, and really embraced a new way to live my life.
Your Tastes
Favorite Color(s): Blur or red, depending on the day

Style of Decorating or Clothing (examples: Traditional, Sporty, Classic, Romantic, Dramatic, Contemporary, Eclectic…anything that describes your style): Funky. My roommates in college told me that they’d often open up my closet “just to look at all of the colors.”

Collections (if you have any): Playbills! I have a Playbill for almost every show I’ve ever seen.

Hobbies: Seeing shows, being in shows, going to the movies, eating out, shopping (although that one has to stop!), dancing, yoga

Favorite Authors, Types of Books or Magazines: My favorite book is “Marjorie Morningstar” by Herman Wouk, followed by “Stones from the River” by Ursula Hegi and “I Know This Much is True” by Wally Lamb. I love fiction books, and am now opening up to self-improvement and financial books. I also subscribe to Self and Jane, as well as TIme Out New York and New York magazine.

Types of Music you Enjoy, including favorite artists: I like pretty much anything but heavy metal, rap, and country. My favorite artists are Joan Osbourne, Alanis Morisette, Gwen Stefani, Missy Elliot, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Dave Matthews, and Fiona Apple (eclectiv, I know)!

Foods/Drinks/Flavors: I can live on sweet potato fries and plantains (although I’d be malnourished and very heavy). I also love wine and mojitos, and apple juice always makes me feel better when I’d sad.

Scents (as in, Vanilla, Berry, Old Spice, floral, woodsy, “new car”, etc.)
Orange, vanilla