Power Tools: Respect vs Invalidation (Part 1)

These 10p classes kick my butt, so this is probably going to be short and sweet.

The most resonant part of the class today was when Pravda made the statement that people are actually speaking about themselves even when they speak to you. So when someone responds with “You’re going to run a marathon? That’s nutso! Why would you do that, you crazy person?” they are saying it because they could never see themselves doing it! I have to admit that the quote above would probably be said by me to the statement “I’m going to run a marathon” - and it’s absolutely because I think it’s a crazy thing to do.

We also spoke about how showing someone respect and is like giving a person oxygen, and taking it away is like sucking it out of the room. One of the students said “I’m going to tell my client that she should take an oxygen tank around with her and ask the person who is invalidating them (and invalidator?) to use it!” What a great analogy.

Pravda is a new teacher, and I like her because she specifically asks “How can we use this with our clients?” It gives us concrete suggestions (”Does this statement actually reflect how you see yourself, or is it something that someone is reflecting on you?”) to take to our clients, which is really helpful.

*

Today I am grateful for my Dad.

Advanced Coaching 200: Celebrating (Homework)

Reflection
1. How do you celebrate your achievements? Usually, by sharing them with others! I’m someone who thrives on praise so that usually helps me feel good with what I’m doing. Tangibly, if I want to celebrate, I treat myself to a bubble bath, an uninterrupted movie, a great meal, a show and/or my favorite glass of wine.

2. What do you think are the benefits for celebrating both big and small occasions? Big occasions - whether it be birthdays, weddings, new jobs, etc - also become more special when they’re celebrated with family and friends. Most of the memories that one is left with is from those big events, as they make more of an impression than everyday occurrences. With the small occasions, it’s beneficial to celebrate in order to acknowledge your achievement and keep you on the right path. It is easier to wake up early and work out three times a week if there is a “prize” at the completion point!

3. How does celebrating make you feel, about yourself and the occasion? Happy! Like something exciting was accomplished.

4. What experiences have you had in working with clients to help them celebrate? Celebration is part of my coaching model, and really is a big part of my practice. I’ve helped clients recognize that even the “small stuff” should be celebrated, and brainstormed with them to create lists on how they could do this. One of my clients treated herself to a mocha frappuccino for her celebration and emailed me from Starbucks!

5. How can you see yourself using this technique in your practice? It’s having your client acknowledge their wins & then figuring out how they’ll celebrate. Then just rinse and repeat!

6. How has gratitude helped you open new opportunities in your life? It’s made me more optomistic, seeing the possibilities in a situation instead of the roadblocks.

AC100: Acknowledgment (Part 2)

This was possibly the best class I’ve ever had at ICA. Not only have I determined that Angela is my favorite teacher - her humor and honesty have a lot to do with it - but she manages to have me question most of my truths. It’s pretty amazing.

This class hit home for me for many reasons. First, in speaking about acknowledgment vs encouragement vs validation. Here are the differences:

Acknowledgment focuses on the past in order to bring awareness to something that has been unrecognized.

Encouragement focuses on the future and stimulates the client by assisting them and moving them forward.

Validation focuses on the present, and confirms what the client is right now.

Before this class, if you were to ask me which of these 3 terms is the strongest, I’m probably rank them with acknowledgement/encouragement neck and neck and validation coming in 3rd. Now, I agree with Angela that “validation is the most powerful gift you can give someone.” Validation is what we’re seeking when we’re running around and doing, doing, doing - whether it’s working out, or going to a day job, or buying dishwasher detergent. You’re doing it so you can get validation that you look good, or that you make a certain amount of money, or that you have a clean house. All anyone wants in this life is validation!

Heavy crap, am I right?

Part 2 of my earth shaking class had to revolve around dealing with a client that says they’re “tired”. As I am in a perpetual state of tiredness, my ears perked up right away. Angela explained that it’s important to notice a tired client, and ask them:

“What’s the decision that you need to be making that you’re not making now?”

Sometimes the client can’t see this decision, and if that’s the case it’s not time for them to. But this question knocks aside all of the BS and makes you come face to face with what’s been draining your energy. This question resonated so much for me because it forces you to s**t or get off the pot. And when you strip away those layers, it’s scary. It clarifies what is important to you now, because if you don’t find that, then you’ll spend your life being distracting by doing and not being.

The heavy crap ain’t over, people.

The last breakthrough was about how we create all of this BS in our lives, but there is always a reward it in - usually one that involves our ego. Why are you so busy all the time, creating all of these distractions? Is it because society rewards spending 16 hours at the office instead of spending 30 minutes in a chair reflection on your day? Is it because you believe that working more hours will lead to more money which leads to a private yacht which leads to being seen as a successful person?

WE are the ones creating business! WE are the ones that are doing, doing, doing without being! We spend our entire lives undisciplined, yet studies have proven that having any form of discipline creates self-esteem. But as Angela mentioned before, what are the rewards for being undisciplined? I can come up with a few:

1) Feeling productive (but in reality you’re spinning your wheels & most likely creating a whole lot of extra steps for yourself!)

2) Feeling important (but in reality you’re doing a whole lot of nothing!)

3) Feeling like you are creating your own life (but in reality you are setting yourself up for failure!)

I honestly need some time to digest this. It’s major.

*

Today I’m grateful for being able to shift my perspective and realize I AM more powerful than I thought.

Advanced Coaching 200: Moving Forward (Part 2)

It turns out that I took Part 1 back in March, and then Part 2 was the class where - back in March - the teacher didn’t show & a student led the class. You could tell how well this went by me retaking the class 4 months later!

While this was a good class in the matter of observing a coaching session (which is always helpful), the meat & potatoes of this topic wasn’t there. But I did find a coach whose niche is brides and newleyweds, and she offered to coach me for free! Very cool.

I’m also taking to heart Sheri’s suggestion to print the ICF Core Competencies and keeping them in my notebook, to study & utilize in class & during sessions.

Peer Client 1: Session 6

Have I mentioned that I love working with Client B? I feel such a great amount of give and take, listening and responding, from both sides of the phone. I’ve learned with Client B to relish in the silences, as that’s where realizations take place. That is a huge lesson for me! As a big, loud talky talker I’ve always been wanting to fill the silences. I’d even go so far to say that I was afraid of them! But nothing is better than posing a question - especially when I know I’ve been clear - and hearing nothing. I shouldn’t say that, actually. I really hear the thinking, and the effort it takes to not only come up with an answer but express it correctly. That’s when I know that I’m doing a good job.

*

Today I’m grateful to know that not seeing Batman won’t actually kill my pre-husband, unless he drops dead before the 6:20 showing.

Power Tools: Responding vs Reacting (Part 2)

I’m so sad that this is Angela’s last class at this time! I really come out of her classes with so, so much to take away and think about.

This week I really did my homework and just noticed what it was that makes me react. When I originally thought of this, the first thing that popped into my head was “commuting”. Getting to work in NYC is actually a fairly hostile task, and causes me some stress first thing in the morning or after 9 hours at work. So I started noting my reactions when I commute. Basically, there’s a few audible sighs, some shoulder blocks, really fast walking, and lots of “You had to walk RIGHT if front of me, didn’t ya?” and “Could you walk any slower?” running through my head.

But I also realized that I was extremely hypocritical about my behavior. Here I was, chastising others in my head for being aggressive while I was doing the same thing! I walk right in front of people! I bump into others when trying to squeeze into a crowded car! I speed walk to the nearest seat and get ticked when someone beats me to it!

But then, it became something more. When I was at work, I was rushing. Trying to get from this task to that task in the shortest time possible. And if someone interrupted me, I was short with them.

So, what would happen if I chose to stop and smell the roses (or at least let someone cut my off without cursing them out in my head)? Would I not have to feel that sitting down at my desk on time was akin to winning some sort of battle? And once I was there, could I not react to those that prevented me from getting things done as quickly as possible?

This was obviously a huge realization for me, and one that I feel would take a fairly major personality overhaul to achieve. Angela asked me, “But do you have to change?”

My response: “No. But I want to.”

*

Today I’m grateful for margaritas and good company.

AC100: Acknowledgment (Part 1)

I’ve decided that Angela is my favorite teacher. I love that she doesn’t spoon-feed you the information, or recite  from the readings, but challenges your views on what you think you’re going to be learning about.

For example, after reading the Acknowledgment module, I was jolted by the example they gave about acknowledging something and complimenting it.

Before: “I really like your sweater” unconsciously translates to “I approve of your sweater, as it appeals to me.” That’s so egocentric!

After: “I wanted to acknowledge your sense of style, as you’re always up on the latest trends” has to do with the person you’re acknowledging and not you.

This was an a-ha! moment for me, and it made total sense. I got on the call thinking that Angela is going to speak with us about getting away from “I” statements and how you should change that part of your speech.

Instead, I got “I could sit here and tell you that acknowledgment is this glowing tool and you should all use it without prejudice, but the truth is that saying ‘I acknowledge this’ and ‘I acknowledge that’ is just…..awkward to say. Who says that? And doesn’t saying ‘I acknowledge your sense of style’ make you the authority on style? And who made you the authority on style, anyway?”

Another a-ha! moment! That made so much sense! Because who WOULD say “I acknowledge your sense of style” and how pretentious is that? It feels so detached. BUT what Angela did speak about is the different ways you can get across acknowledging someone that does NOT include the word phrase “I acknowledge”. We just brushed the surface on it, but I’m looking forward to hearing more next week.

*

I’m grateful that I’m still gainfully employed.

Power Tools: Responding vs Reacting (Part 1)

I admit it - I was too tired on Thurs night after this class to post! So the thoughts aren’t as fresh as I like them to be, but hey - sleep is important too, people

What I loved about this class is that I learned the difference between responding and reacting! Before reading the material and participating in the discussion, I would have said that those two words were synonyms. I couldn’t be more wrong!

A reaction is an uncontrolled reflex while a response is a pro-active choice. Ever notice that “response” and “responsible” share a root? There’s a reason for that! When you respond, you’re choosing to acknowledge (& connect with) the stimulus, while a reaction is a disconnected “choice” (in quotes because really, a reaction is not a choice) that usually feeds your ego and gives power away.

What makes you react? Angela mentioned that you should observe those stimuli & think about whether there’s a way to take away the reaction and replace it with a response. For me, I react a million times on my commute. Every time I walk out my door I’m walking quickly, sighing when slow people “get in my way” and when people won’t “get out of my way” to let me on & off the train. Am I the victim here? In writing this, I realize that I’m certainly playing the role of one. And talk about ego! Like all these people are purposely swiping their MetroCards slowly in order to hold up my day.

Ugh. I’m cringing just thinking about it. But how can I change my reaction, which is an ingrained, automatic habit (for lack of a better word)? I’ll take note of it this week & will try to brainstorm all the things I can do to stop and smell the roses, even if someone is in the way of the rose!

Peer Client 1: Session 5

Ohmygosh, Client B is discovering so much about herself I hope she can handle all of the breakthroughs she’s having! Like I’ve spoken about earlier, she’s someone who is very open to change and self-improvement, so she’s an “easy” client. Hopefully I’ll encounter more clients who are so committed to finding those hurdles and then jumping over them.

Overall, I wanted to note that working with Client B has made me feel like a “real coach”. I find myself really listening & questioning, without catching myself filling-in-the-blanks, posing multiple choice questions, or offering up suggestions. Sure, it still happens sometimes, but I feel like it’s much fewer and further between than it was with Client A, and I don’t need to constantly remind myself of it.

I think this stems from focusing on what I should be doing and not on what I shouldn’t be doing. I come into each session thinking “Listen and Reiterate” - even letting go of what I want to say (”As soon as there’s a breath I’ll ask her X”) in order to keep my listening ears on (as Judge Judy would say) and my head clear! That makes a huge, huge difference in making the transition from I-want-to-help-you to I-want-you-to-help-you-help-yourself.

*

I’m grateful today for air conditioning!

Advanced Coaching 200: Your Coaching Model

It was nice to go through this class already having my coaching model sketched, written, & printed. It solidified how I created it & why, as well as what it’s use is for. It was also fun sharing my model with the class, even if I had to describe it verbally rather than having the class go to the discussion board and look at it visually.

What was interesting is that Angela, the instructor, gave concrete reasons as to why it’s a negative to have a model - and then said that she doesn’t have one herself! Overall the class was structured as to why it’s a good idea to have your own coaching model & how to make it true to yourself, but still…it was odd. Why have someone teach a class - especially a class that speaks about something you need to graduate - that doesn’t use the tool she’s teaching about? It was interesting, & helped me see how there could be a downside to having a model, especially if it’s not being reconstructed as your coaching style changes or is being used too rigidly (which could lead to boredom and predictability).

Regardless, I love my coaching model. It helped me hone in on my strengths & individuality as well as allowing me to show my clients how each session will be shaped & how they will reach their goals. I plan to frame it & put it above my work station - that is, when I get one!

Peer Client 1: Session 4

I love my sessions with Client B, a soul-searching, spiritual enlightened woman who is constantly discovering who she wants to be when she grows up! And, as someone who has already gone through a coaching-like program, she teaches me something every session. Today she said, “Forgiveness & release is a day-to-day process” and it gave me chills. As a former grudge-holder who is yet unable to say to certain people, “Yes, I forgive you, let’s move on & forget about it” this really spoke to me. I think that most people were instilled with the value of “forgive & forget”, but how easy is this really? It might be easy when the thing that you’re forgiving/forgetting is fairly unconsequential, but what if it’s not? What if the actions of your best friend ripped your heart out, but you want to “forgive & forget”, even if it’s years later? As you might be able to tell, this is something I’m personally going through now and am having big problems with. It might be easy to forgive, but it’s forgetting that’s the hard part. If you view this, though, as a day-to-day process, it’s easier to take that guilt that’s hanging over you out of the equation. Instead of beating yourself up with questions of why you still resent your best friend, you can acknowledge those feelings & not give yourself a guilt trip over feeling that way.

We actually spoke a lot about acknowledging our “bad” feelings today, which I feel is a common obstacle for most women today. In 2008, we’re expected to be strong, independent, responsible, nurturing, & always smiling/chipper/positive. We end up making sure that everyone around us is taken care of, usually at the expense of our own self-care. When we have a “bad” feeling come up (anger, fear, frustration, et al) we try to make it go away as fast as we can. Quick! Get rid of it before anyone sees!

But the outcome of pushing those feelings down - or of not even acknowledging them to begin with - is a permanent state of unease and falsity with a 0% chance of turning around the situation that has made you feel angry/frustrated/upset in the first place. At least if you acknowledge (I know I should find a synonym for “acknowledge”, but I just like that word so much!) that you’re in a “bad” feeling, and give it a name (”Am I angry? Frustrated? Not in control?”), and discover why you’re feeling this feeling (”My boss didn’t acknowledge my hard work”, “I hate this stupid job”, “I’ve had spinach stuck in my teeth all day”) you can then (a) allow yourself to take some time and really feel this feeling until the end of the ride or (b) allow yourself to focus on your breathing for 30 seconds so you can get past it & reflect on it. Either way, it’s going to allow you to discover what prompts these feelings so you can figure out how to circumvent it while also allowing you to be true to yourself & not bottle things up inside.

As you can tell, Client B and I really had nothing of importance to say to each other today

*

Today I’m grateful for unstructured Saturdays.