Monthly Archive

It was nice to focus on business building with Holly today. I hate to admit it, but it’s so much better than the Business Building classes at ICA! Probably because I get to focus on ME for 45 min/wk instead of on whatever the teacher (or the class) decides to talk about. I’m such a selfish bastard.

I get so animated when I talk about making When I Grow Up my career, that it helps squelch negative answers to questions such as:

“What are you getting yourself into?”

“Are you crazy?”

“Is this really - FINALLY! - the one that’s going to stick?”

The answer is yes. Yes, OK! YES! And YES it’s scary, and YES it’s a bit crazy, but YES it will be worth it, because it’s what I love and enjoy.

I’ve been kicking things into high gear with When I Grow Up. I started a blog yesterday (see link on the blogroll) and might actually have a website up by the end of the week! I’ll make sure to keep you all posted.

Next up: elevator speech. Can I really only limit myself to talk for only 30 seconds?

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Today I’m grateful for Bryant Park and my lunch break. Mostly, sitting in Bryant Park during my lunch break, with a slight breeze on a warm day with no humidity. Spring in NY is unfrackingbelievable.

Reflection
Why bother to discern UAC’s? The only way to break the patterns of your life is by seeing what your unconscious commitments are. You might set a goal for yourself that you find you can not achieve, like trying to eat healthier. Yet, you find yourself still snacking on chips. Why? The reason behind that behavior will bring to light what’s needed to overcome those obstacles. The UACs are those obstacles, and not only are they unconscious but they happen automatically - so they’re tough to prevent and tough to see.

What are some unwanted behaviors you currently have in your life? Putting too much pressure on myself is a huge one that I’ve recently opened my eyes to. Not being able to stop picking at my nails in another. Being stressed out by having to be productive at all times is also an unwanted behavior.

Using this process, can you now see what might be behind these outcomes? I’ve always put others before myself, and when I don’t I feel guilty. I’ve always been the one to hold up my family when things went badly. In order to be productive all the time, I have to be doing doing doing - which leads to picking at my nails (especially when I have nothing else to “do”).

With this new insight, what would be an empowering action to take? To carve out some “me” time that’s mine alone, no matter what else comes my way, and to delegate certain tasks that don’t need to be done by me. But the real challenge would be to trust myself, especially when I’ve done all that I can to ensure that things get done smoothly and correctly.

Why is it important not to view UAC’s as bad or wrong? UACs are the backbone of who you are, and that can’t be bad or wrong. I think the fact that they exist (and that you can find them!) should be celebrated!

Why is knowledge of an UAC helpful in making constructive choices? Because it gets to the core of any obstacle. Break through the UAC, break through the obstacle and reach your goal.

This was an odd one. We started with not knowing where to go, and about 15 minutes before we ended there were tears (teachers have said that this happens pretty often, actually - clients having a big realization more than halfway through) and something major that popped up that needs attention. I had her say out loud everything that was clouding her head, and tried to show how it can be turned around, but I felt like nothing stuck. Nothing stuck because it didn’t come from her! I showed her (or should I say told her) instead of having her find it herself.

But this is the big question: HOW CAN IT COME FROM HER? And what should I say when I hear “I don’t know?” And why haven’t I learned to STOP TALKING yet? Maybe it’s because I don’t know what to say? Or how to say it, without making it a leading question? I found a list of questions like I wanted to last week, but they were overwhelming and I wasn’t sure where to start with them.

I keep wondering, “How did Joanne do it? How did she have ME come to the realization? How did she allow me to find the answers myself?” And I’ve just drawn a blank. Like it was magic. And I’m starting to think that my Gift of Gab wasn’t such a gift.

I think I’m going to go to the discussion board and put this post (these questions, actually) out to the ICA community. And please, if you’re reading this and have any thoughts/ideas/suggestions, post a comment. Or if you can have these answers fall from the sky and just knock me on my head, then that would work too.

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Today I’m grateful for my man. Insert bunch-of-sappy-things here.

I’m really proud of myself because I spent the first part of my session acknowledging my good work! I spoke to Joanne, my 1st Peer Coach, yesterday and realized I’m being too hard on myself. So one of the things I’m working on is cutting myself some slack! I really feel like I made a big leap in de-stressing myself and not letting my mind (and my To Do list) control my mood and actions.

So today I focused on business building! I’m really getting the itch to get things up and running, especially since my job satisfaction has gone downhill lately. I want to get my website up, a business plan on paper, a logo for my company, and some business cards. That should take……about a week, right? WRONG!

I think my first step is to buy the book that Holly recommended, as well as talk to Luke about building a site. He builds great ones, but I don’t want to have to rely on him to get into it, update it, tweak it, etc. But I should use him to help me (it’s not like I keep him around for his good looks and personality or anything)!

I ain’t going to lie - Client A came to me with some heavy stuff today. It was both an easy session (when she needed me just to listen) and a hard one (how do you deconstruct a larger problem into smaller pieces?). You don’t want to have the client follow-up with something that they’re not ready for, or comfortable with, or isn’t their idea. I tried to make sure I really understood her situation, and tried to turn the mirror back on her so she can see if her recent revelation is an accurate one.

What’s amazing is that now she’s coming to these revelations herself, looking at things from a different way, and I hope she took it to heart when I commended her on that. What’s tough now is helping her figure out what to do with it. She knows what the obstacle is, but how is she comfortable moving forward? She didn’t know, and I wasn’t sure how to help her there.

I think what I need to do now is to find some key questions. I’ve seen them written down somewhere - great, thought-provoking questions. And not to use it as a cheat sheet, but to keep it close by (or really get it into my head) and, when I’m not sure how to go about something, I can just ask a question. I feel like, if you only Listen and Question, you can be a phenomenal coach.

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I’m grateful today for allowing myself to cut myself some slack. It’s a nice feeling.

I know, I know - I skipped Part 2! But I didn’t feel worse for wear for it. I was still able to follow everything and didn’t feel like there were pieces missing, so that was a good lesson to learn.

I feel like Re-framing is one of the most important foundations of coaching, so these classes are so important. What we spoke about today could be summed up in the question “What causes you to think that you’re right?” Immediately my mind went to “upbringing and experience”, but Angela mentioned culture as well. What else can explain all of these 18 year old entrepreneurs? And people getting married and having children a full decade  (or more!) after their parents before them? It was an interesting piece of the puzzle.

I also liked how Angela spoke about reframing a client’s perspective by having them relate from their heart and not from their head. She worked with a client who was very frustrated by a co-worker’s behavior. When Angela asked her “What do you think might be going on with this co-worker’s social life to make him act this way?” the client responded with a whole slew of depressing things that she knew were going on in his personal life. She couldn’t be sympathetic, and instead said “If it affects his work he should just take a sabbatical.” Angela then asked her client if she ever went through a personal situation that was painful and depressing. When the client responded affirmatively, Angela continued:

“Did you stop working?”

“No.”

“Were you good at your job?

“I’m not sure.”

“Why didn’t you stop working?”
“Because I wanted to throw myself into my work to distract me from my personal life.”

The client made that statement and immediately starting crying. THAT is what connected her to her co-worker, and it wasn’t until she “saw it from her heart” that she was able to reframe her perspective and relate to him.

This is honestly making me want to try and reframe every thought I ever had!

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I’m thankful today for the ability to take a step back and breathe.

Reflection
Think of one situation where you are being challenged right now. How can you manage this situation to make a positive experience for all involved? My work environment just changed drastically. Instead of being able to be social, we were told that our department is too loud and we must now use our “library voices”. This is hugely challenging for me, as my “library voice” can still be heard clear across the room! Also, as an extrovert who finds pleasure and enjoyment in the company of others, it’s very stifling to be in an almost silent area for 8-9 hours/day. In order to make this a positive experience, I should (a) stop voicing my complaints, as that never helps anyone feel better, even if I think it’s a bonding tool with my co-workers (b) ensure that I take a full lunch hour to get out of the office and talk!

Think about situations in your life when you have had to deal with difficult people or challenging situations. It may have been in your family or business environment, or in some other situation. Now that you are able to look back with distance and wisdom, what do you think was the cause or basis of the situation? In all of my previous jobs, I’ve had to deal with emotionally abusive bosses - one would curse and punch the wall in his office when something went wrong, while the other would belittle me constantly and make me feel like I wasn’t doing a good job - ever. In looking back on it, I realize this is not a personal reflection on me - this is how these men would have behaved to any employee. It’s an ego/power trip for them, and I believe that they liked to assert their power in this extremely negative manner. Now, even though I support someone who could be as abusive as them (but in a different way), I’m able to distance myself from it and realize it has nothing to do with me. It helps me keep things in perspective, and it actually makes me feel sorry that this man has to resort to this behavior. He must be missing something great and important in his life to make him act this way!

None of us are perfect, think of a time when you have been the challenging client or person. How did you feel and why did you react the way you did? What insight did you learn from this experience? Admittingly, I’m the challenging client when I call my IT department. They have such a bad attitude there that I put myself of the defensive when I call there. Although, if I look at it the other way, I only call them when something is wrong/broken and I’m frustrated, so they might be reacting to my attitude. Huh. So, if I wait to take a deep breath before I call them, and don’t immediately treat them as if they’re not going to help me (which they have about a 70% success rate of doing), then I might get somewhere with them. Double Huh.

It’s really odd, working with more than 1 coach. I like it in order to see different coaching styles and approaches (and Holly definitely has similar personality traits to me), but it’s tough not to compare side by side. I feel like working with Holly will be as beneficial as working with Joanne, but I’m going to come to my realizations in a different way. With Joanne, things would often smack me in the face (for lack of a better way to say that). With Holly, I feel like things will come out in a more roundabout way - but I can distinguish in my blabbering what she’s asking me and how I need to change my thinking.

It was nice to talk and clear my head about all of my To Dos that are making me bonkers, and actually giving voice to my wants. I definitely saw a new perspective in giving wedding To Dos to my pre-husband (maybe he’s asking for things to do because he wants to be involved!), as well as breaking things down and asking myself what has to be done this week. If it doesn’t have to be done, then I’m not gonna do it! Is something on my To Do list for that day and only that day? No? Then close the To Do list and come back tomorrow!

The blinders are going on as of……….now.

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I’m grateful today for the way that spring in NY feels.

The “problems” I have with Client A (and I put problems in quotations because it’s ridiculous calling them problems!) is that she knows what she wants, she knows how to go after it, and she’s extremely proactive about it. What “problems”!

I know that coaches are here to help clients get unstuck, to give them a new approach to obstacles, a different perspective. With Client A, I’m trying to see where the obstacles actually are, since they’re buried under a lot of enthusiasm and positive changes. I try to sometimes find the question, and realize that she already has the answer!

I felt really good about today’s session, though, because I did feel like she cleared her head a bit. There are so many big, exciting changes that are occurring for her that she admitted to her actions being a bit cloudy. I definitely was better today in restating what I heard and interpreted - both in her voice and in her words - as well as listening and not talking so much (or as much as I would usually do). And she did find (another!) important piece of her life that she wants to change, and I love the fact that I helped her get there.

Y’know, I know that I still have a long way to go, and I was so (so!) nervous about coaching someone, but I think as soon as my sessions with Client A end I’ll look for a Peer Client almost immediately. It keeps everything in perspective.

10p classes are tough for me. It’s hard to concentrate and I get tired about halfway through. I hate to say it, but the 7a classes might work better, if I wake up at 6:15 and am still able to head out to work at 8:15a. I can treat it like a gym day. But will I be more alert at 7a? Only one way to find out…..

Today we spoke a lot about having a client be accountable, and what our role is as a coach is order to ensure the client’s accountability. Merci’s take - which I agree with - is that coaches should just show up and bare witness. That’s enough to keep a client accountable. Pretty easy. So far we got:

* Show up

* Bare witness

Let’s add

* Don’t judge when there isn’t accountability

Easy rules to live by, in theory. But honestly, it’s a cut-and-dry topic. Part of the reason clients come to you is to be held accountable. But I liked when Merci told us about a quote from some dude that generally said, “Your client is going to get where they are going with or without you. The reason that they have you help them get on their way is that they want to get there in the most productive, efficient, enjoyable way possible.” People who seek out a coach are not the type of people to not hold themselves accountable. So if you have a client that isn’t able to follow through with a commitment they made, it might not be the right time for them to be coached.

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In keeping with this theme of accountability, I want to hold myself accountable for paying attention for the entire hour I’m in class. No searching the web! I hate admitting this (I’m judging myself!) but my mind wanders, and I go into Facebook, and I go on the ICA site to see what other classes I want to take and….I missed a major point. No more!

Client A had another breakthrough today, and I’m telling you - there’s nothing more thrilling. It literally sends chills up and down your spine, and you have to just breathe and say “Did you hear what you just said?” When your client responds with “It’s huge” it’s just - major. You know why you’re devoting your time and energy to being a life coach. Two breakthroughs in 6 sessions is a nice batting average

I do still need to focus on saying less and questioning more. That’s my new mantra, in coaching and in life.

Say less. Question more.

The noise in my head is getting out of control. The Usual Suspects are all coming around - time management, having to be productive every moment of every day, having my To Do list stressing me out, feeling like I have no time to myself, bouncing from one task to the other without getting anything done - and they won’t just let me be.

I did such great work with Joanne and I’m pissed that it’s slipping away. But, to my credit, I realized all this stuff is making me nutso / stressed / crazy and I reached out for a new Peer Coach. I just finished my first session with Holly, and although we’re both Chatty Cathys I think it will be a good fit. We start “for real” next week, and I’m looking forward to see what she’ll bring to the table.

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Today I’m grateful for wanting to change and having the self-respect - and cajones - to do so.

For those of you not familiar with the term, re-framing is basically a shorter way of saying “Looking at something through a different vantage point.” I was really excited for this class, as I think that re-framing is a huge part of coaching and I think it’s something I need to help my current client with.

For me, the greatest tidbits I got from this class was all of the questions you can ask to help you shift your perspective:

* “What is this situation asking of you that you haven’t yet called forth?”

* “How can you turn this around and grow from it?”

* “What do you give your attention to? What do you wish you can give more attention to? Less attention?”

* “What’s your intention when you do this?”

* “Put aside what you don’t want. What do you want?”

We spoke a lot about attention and intention, and how you need to shift both of these in order to re-frame a situation. We also gave some time to the Law of Attraction (although we didn’t call it that), since the things you give your attention to seems to grow & grow, and the things that you don’t give attention to will eventually whither & die.

I know that when I have my next session with my client I will ask her to picture the situation, take herself out of it, observe it, and describe what she sees. As a challenge, I will ask her to take a mental picture of what happens when she finds herself in a situation where you wants to change her way of thinking. What is she doing? How is she feeling? What does she want to feel? Since I know that she journals before our time together I’ll ask her to journal about these moments the day they happen. Angela made a point to not try to do anything about this, but just observe. I’d be interested in seeing what she comes back with.

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Today I’m grateful for a work environment where I’m finally being looked out for.