Monthly Archive

Tonight we discussed how to hold yourself, and your clients, accountable - and how to handle it if we/they are dropping the accountability ball.

It has taken me a while to see the difference about being committed to something and being accountable. And while I always thought that you can be accountable to yourself, the definition of “accountable” states:

1: subject to giving an account : answerable <held her accountable for the damage>

2 : capable of being accounted for : explainable

So, being accountable means that you have to answer and explain yourself to someone. So you can’t really hold yourself accountable to yourself. I never saw accountability that way before.

Take, for example, a week or so ago when I woke up early to go to the gym and my fiance stayed in bed and slept. Since he committed himself to going to the gym with me in the morning when I wake up early, I could have held him accountable for not joining me (but I didn’t, because he’s so cute when he sleeps and I hate waking him up). And if he didn’t go and I lost my motivation to go and slept for another hour, then I could have held him accountable - he didn’t own up to his end of the bargain.

If my fiance was my client, I would try to see why he didn’t hold himself accountable for waking up early, and I have a feeling it would tie into commitment. Is he really committed to this goal of losing weight? Why or why not? What got in the way of having him be accountable for this action?

It’ll be interesting to see where the next 2 parts of this class go.

Reflection
What are three things in your life that you have committed to and achieved? In no particular order: (1) Getting my Equity card (2) Finding a sweet, amazing man to have a loving, committed relationship with (3) Getting into NYU for musical theater

What are three things you have been trying to achieve for a long time but haven’t yet? (1) Being on Broadway (2) Getting an agent (3) Working for myself

Why have you been able to achieve the things answered in question one and not in question two? That’s a tough one. I want to say that #1 are more attainable goals and #2 are harder, but I know that some people would think otherwise! I feel like I put as much effort into trying to get an agent as I have into getting into NYU, but I’m starting to think that it’s a question of timing. Not to sound all hippy-dippy, but I’m really convinced that things happen at a certain time for a reason. There was a reason that I met my pre-husband when I did. There was a reason I got my Equity card when I did. Maybe it’s just not my time to be a Broadway star. Or maybe I’m just not marketable enough yet for an agent to get behind me. Or maybe I need to pay off my debt and build my retirement fund before I start working for myself.

What structures do you have in place to support you in your commitments? My To Do list and the activities I put in my Palm Pilot all keep me on the path to my goal. The friends and family that I surround myself with are all very encouraging and supportive, and follow through when I ask them to inquire about my goals - it’s a great push to reassess where I am and keep going.

Can you think of any UAC’s you might have which empower you and make your life better? I’m a planner, some might say to a fault, but I try to map everything out and schedule all of my To Dos, which allow me to see my goal. I also get very enthusiastic about a new project that I take on, so that carries me through. Because of my perfectionist streak, I tend to make sure that everything I put my name to is….well…perfect, but I can argue that putting myself behind high-quality work is empowering.

It feels like I should be on session 11 and session 2 all at the same time with Client A. Part of me is like “Session 5 ALREADY?!” while the other part is saying “Only Session 5?”

My client is amazing. She has made a different major life decision every week, and is excited about each new development. I noticed today that I was just asking her about it - how she got there, what she’s anxious about (I asked that a few times), offering encouragement and (d’oh!) making suggestions. It felt more like we were friends catching up than coach/client, which I have mixed feelings about. Part of me thinks it’s great to have that sort of relationship, and part of me thinks it’s not what I’m here for. I can’t be too hard on myself though, as I know that being the client’s “friend” and cheerleader will be a big part of my coaching model.

I do have to pat myself on the back a little bit for letting my client know that I’m stuck and need some help. “You’ve made such great strides in the last month that I want to make sure I’m still helping you. Is there anything beyond the issues that we spoke about tackling during our first session that you might want to explore?” To her credit, she told me about a realization she had just a day or two ago, which provided some insight into her negative relationships. I told her that it was helpful for me to be armed with this info, and I’ll do my homework to see how we can best work through this hurdle. She said “It’ll be cool to see what you come back with.” I think so too!

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Today I’m grateful for amazing burgers, sweet potato fries, and milkshakes. And not starting Weight Watchers until Monday.

Reflection
How would your life be different today, if people around you Enthused you instead of got angry at you for everything they wanted? I’m lucky in that I can’t think of too many examples where this had happened. But the few examples I can think of would have, if I had been enthused as opposed to yelled at, turned into strong relationships instead of ones that disintegrated. I don’t think that you can have a close bond with someone that doesn’t enthuse you, or gets angry at you for doing something positive. It ends up being their own low self-esteem and insecurities that get put on display at times like that.

Can you think of an example of when someone has tried one of the negative techniques to get you to change? How successful were they? I can think of a few teachers that beat me down, as that’s their method to get “real work” out of their students. It left me feeling untalented, without hope, a lost cause - all of those wonderful feelings. I finally came to realize that I wasn’t the problem - they were. I left those classes and those teachers behind and traded them in for classes where - no, I was not constantly told how “great” I was - my strengths were acknowledged and I was taught how to grow and gain more strengths.

What are some other areas you can think of where clients can benefit from the technique of Enthusing?I honestly feel like it can benefit anyone from anywhere. I feel that Enthusing is a big point of my coaching, as if I do nothing but point out the good that a client is doing and enthuse them to do more, I’ve done my job.

I love my sessions with Client A! She’s come so, so far - I think that after week 6 I’m going to be worried what the heck there is left for her to accomplish! I think she’s feeling that way too, but hopefully we can dig below the surface a bit. I mean, how can someone get a hold of their finances, form meaningful relationships, and discover their life’s work all in 12 short weeks? Or 6?! Even if it looks that way on the surface I’m not convinced that there isn’t more there.

In terms of my own “performance” today, I definitely listened more and spoke less. I asked for permission before giving a suggestion. I still gave her multiple choice questions, but I also noticed myself recognizing these and trying (& sometimes succeeding!) to trail off instead of offering the answers themselves.

I’m trying to focus on the heartfelt Thank Yous I get from Client A. Even when I feel like I haven’t helped, I think of how she says “Thank you” - sincerely - and tell myself that my time and efforts are being well received. I’m really looking forward to see where my first client takes me (as well as herself)!

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Today I’m grateful for spring.

Usually I hate taking Part 2 without taking Part 1, but I was a rebel today and did it anyway! Oh, I’m so bad.

Turns out that Linda had a sub today, so Joanne led the class and was awesome. When she said that she had a 2 page book excerpt to read I was like “Groan!” (I didn’t say that out loud, BTW - it was in my head. Can you imagine? “I’d like to read this excerpt-” “GROAN!” That would have been weird. And rude. Sorry, I’m tired.). But she read what I imagine was the beginning of “Lies at the Altar: Truths to a Great Marriage” by Dr. Robin Smith, who I guess is on Oprah a lot and stuff. The gist of it was that she was seriously involved with an addict, and not only did he lie to her and others, but he turned her into a big fat liar too. She wrote something like “I would lay out his disguises on the bed in the morning”, and would help him concoct his fake truths, and repeated these lies to those he loved and anyone who asked.

What struck me was how she didn’t play the victim. This was not “Look what this addict did to me. I trusted him and he made me into this monster.” It was “Look what I became. It was because of this man, but I had a hand in it.” She took responsibility for these actions, and I feel that once that happens you can turn your life around. Her perspective was one that allowed her to move forward - and be an author that has her own Oprah segments.

One of the students went on Dr.Smith’s website and said she writes “Some people believe that they don’t need what they do need.” I came across this personally today. I’ve been hurt by a friend’s actions but kept saying that I didn’t care, it didn’t matter, whatever. But when I had the chance to tell her, I did. I did because I DID care and it DID hurt my feelings. I didn’t think I needed her to apologize or to tell me she didn’t mean what she did, but I did. I was lying to myself in saying that I didn’t care and I was lying to her when I’d turn down social outings without telling her the real reason why.

So, what’s your truth? And what’s stopping you from reaching it?

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Today I’m grateful for Hawaii, and that I get to go there on my honeymoon!

I love my external client, feeling her enthusiasm, and seeing her growth! I’m shocked and amazed at how far she’s come in just 2 sessions. I also love it when she says I’ve helped her a lot - encouraging her to “walk through the door” and “grow up”, and discovering that it’s not as scary as she thought! It’s really, really amazing.

I did better this week at not feeding her answers, but I still talked more than I wanted to. It’s definitely most difficult for me not to give her advice, which I think I might have done quite a bit tonight. I need to focus on asking her question to allow her to figure out the answer - but how? And how is it really done without leading there? I think I need to stop and breathe during these sessions more, and worry less about filling the silence.

I wrote in my homework yesterday that I admired how Joanne would stop sometimes and say “I’m trying to figure out how to phrase this question” or “I totally lost my thought.” Usually after she said that there would be a beat or two, followed by an “A-ha! OK!” and whatever followed that was a great question. I need to realize that not knowing what to say is OK, and taking my time to figure out what to say is OK, and letting it be quiet for a beat or two (or three) is OK.

Easier said than done, but I’m going to try.

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I’m grateful today for being able to talk to clients on the phone - in my pajamas.

So, how much can you accomplish in a 5 minute session? If you were like me, you’d immediately think “Nothing.” Can you even figure out what the client is talking about in 5 minutes?

Yes. You can.

Today we had 5 5-min “laser” sessions. I like that term “laser session” - it’s fast yet focused and can blow stuff up. That last bit started out as a joke but it’s true! I was the client this time around and my coach “blew up” my situation so I can change my perspective. She helped me see  why I was doing what I was doing and, more importantly, reframe it so I can move through it. Pretty explosive stuff.

While some sessions went better than others, every single one helped move the client forward. I like to think that these 5 minutes can help to open the door. Then, when the phone call has been dropped, it’s up to the client to walk through that very door and see what’s on the other side.

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I’m grateful today for Claritin, even though it’s not working very well.

Reflection

What kinds of things from the past assist a person with coaching? That person’s “biography” assists them with coaching. By “biography” I guess I mean past experiences. These can be measurable (I graduated from NYU with a Masters Degree) or intangible (I’m the friend that people come to because I listen), but either way they’re what makes you a great coach!

What kinds of things from the present assist a person with coaching? Discovering - and recognizing - your strengths can assist with coaching. Relying on being a great listener or an enthusiastic, optimistic person can keep you on that track of being a great coach. Also, testimonials from past clients are not only useful for unsigned clients, but great for your ego!

What makes YOU a great choice as a coach? I discovered my Top 10 strengths in the last homework assignment that I did, and I think they all help me be a great coach: humorous, optimistic, enthusiastic, passionate, great listener, caring / empathetic, supportive, down-to-earth, driven, fun. I also know that my particular path - pursuing my passion (acting) for almost 10 years and being brave enough to stop pounding the pavement and find something else I love - will help those that I coach.

What difference would it make to your confidence level to have a great sounding biography that truly represents you well. I wrote my bio a while ago, and I remember thinking, “Wow! I am qualified to do this!” Before then, it was “I’m not ready, I don’t know what I’m doing.” Looking at my bio I know that without ICA I’d be a good coach (just trusting my skills & experience), but with it I’d be an excellent coach!

In what different ways could a good biography be promoted? A bio is a main part on your website, especially when you aren’t meeting many of your clients face-to-face. It can also be promoted on your blog as well as any seminars and engagements that you are involved in.

What kind of impact could some solid testimonials have on your confidence level and in getting clients? Testimonials are a solid ego boost! Since they’re coming directly from your clients, it’s solid proof that you helped that particular person. I’ve only coached 1 client for 2 sessions, and after the 2nd she sent me an email saying “You’re a great coach and you’ve helped me a lot!” That took a lot of the you’re-doing-it-wrong thoughts out of my head. In regards to getting clients, a testimonial is like a referral as well as insight into how you can help someone. It can also showcase your personality, depending on what the client says (ie “Michelle is so enthusing that I felt like I had my very own cheerleader!”), and gives the unsigned client a vote of confidence to move forward with working with you.

To what extent does your self-doubt to be able to coach serve your client? I think it helps you strive to be better. I know that, as a perfectionist, I’m hyper aware of what I’m doing wrong and try to correct it. If I felt extremely secure I might stop trying to learn.

What is the most likely result, when you have your attention on yourself and your own doubts about coaching, during a particular coaching session? Your client will get nothing out of the session if you focus on yourself! I keep my perfectionism in line when I coach (or I try my best to), and don’t beat myself up when I do something that’s a no-no (ie giving advice or sharing an experience without asking). If I didn’t, I’d be watching every word too carefully and wouldn’t have my full attention on my clients.

Without further training, what are the top three ways you could contribute and support someone in getting what they want? Enthusing, reframing, and being an active listener.

Who do you know who feels completely free to coach? What is their perspective? What is yours? The only coach I’ve ever worked with was my Peer Coach, and while I don’t know how she feels on the inside, she seems very un-self-conscious on the outside. Even when she loses her thought or can’t find what to say next, she’ll acknowledge it, let it sit, and then move forward. I hope to also not put such pressure on myself to fill every silence, or come up with every response. I know I’m still scared of the silence, and the feeling of “How am I going to fill 45 minutes? Will there be enough to say?”

REFLECTION

1. Reflect on your own experience: How have you felt when others have encouraged you to take action when you doubted your strength, or ability in a specific area? Oh, it was so empowering! I know that when I doubt myself - whether it’s being great in a show (or living up to my own expectations of myself!) or getting a job that I wanted - and someone I trust and respect says “You can do this”, it’s like a fire is lit inside of me. It makes me want to go out there and at least try. Not only try, but try my best. It especially resonates when I know I’m good at something, or know that my cheerleader has known me to be good in that particular role before. For example, my singing teacher saying “You can sing the crap out of that part” will be more enthusing to me than someone who’s never seen me perform saying ‘You’ll be great!”

2. What are your top 10 strengths? Wow, this one is tough. 10 strengths! 10! That seems like a lot for some reason. Let’s see:
* Humorous
* Optimistic
* Enthusiastic
* Passionate
* Great listener
* Caring / empathetic
* Supportive
* Down-to-earth
* Driven
* Fun
How do these support you in your development of your coaching practice? As a driven and passionate person, I tend to do whatever the heck I set my mind to, which makes me think I can really, truly create a thriving business from something I love to do. As someone humorous, fun, optimistic and enthusiastic, I’m someone that people like to be around and talk to. Being supportive, caring/empathetic, down-to-earth, and a great listener makes me a friend that people seek out and hold on to. When I lay it out like that, it seems to be a great formula for a life coach!

3. Think of one goal that you will have for the next month. This may be a self-contained goal, or it could be part of something much bigger – like setting up your business! My goal this month is to stick to the action plan I set in place of exercising 2-3 mornings a week, as well as completing 1 module of homework/week.

What structures do you need to put in place to enable you to achieve your goal? I need to actually pay attention to my To Do List / Palm Pilot! I need to also pay attention and find out if this system is working for me and, if not, what will? I also need to assert myself and announce that I’m doing this so I can be held accountable for it.

4. Make a list of five people that you most admire and describe why you like them. What are the attributes that you want to make your own?
Wow again - great question.
* My pre-husband has a quiet calmness to him. He’s able to take what comes, analyze it a bit, and make the most of it. He doesn’t ever play the victim and is able to take things day by day. He’s also a perfectionist that doesn’t need to be perfect all the time. He wants to be able to be proud of whatever he puts his name to, and he cares a great deal about his work (professional and personal projects), but he’s able to put it aside and relax too, doing what makes him happy. It’s tough for me to do that.
* My Mom is so utterly devoted to her family. She has so many pieces to her life but yet family always comes first. I tend to view it as a bit overbearing at times, but deep down I love, appreciate, and cherish it. I can see now how very lucky I am to consider my Mom one of my best friends.
* My boss is someone who always makes herself available, always listens, and always sees two sides to a story. It’s really eye opening to see how she views a situation because, instead of most people who will “side” with the person that came to them to console them, she shows you how and possibly why the other person reacted the way that they did. I would love to remember that day to day.
* My best friend basically cares for her baby herself, works a full time job, and still manages to be a totally selfless person. I wish I had her stamina, her self-control, and the handle she has on her priorities and responsibilities.
* My stepfather is someone who holds his family so, so close. He’s happiest when his entire family is around, and if anyone crosses them they better watch out! He always sees the good in people, too, and isn’t too manly to show his pride or offer love, support, and encouragement.

5. Who is on your support team? Is it big enough? Are there others you need to engage with more to support you in achieving your goals? My support team is huge! My parents and grandparents always told me I could do anything I want to, and supported me when I did (pursuing an acting career, anyone?)! I’ve also had a great circle of friends, but now that I’m a “grown-up” I have really dear, true, loving friends that hold me up no matter what. My pre-husband is the most wonderful, allowing me to cry as well as laugh and always telling me how I amaze him with my drive, determination, and cheery optimism. I feel enthused just thinking about it!

Client A totally impressed me this week. Not only did she complete her challenge, she carried it over into 3 other tasks and did those thoroughly and with such gusto! I could hear the excitement in her voice, and what it’s like to just turn over a whole new leaf and feel like a whole new person. It was inspiring for me, actually.

Our session ended over an hour ago, but everything she did just bowled me over, and I emailed her to reiterate how impressed and in awe I was. I hope that I continue to be a coach that wears that cheerleader hat and will reach out to a client that took a major step (or 5 major steps!) to say, again, how awesome they are. It really just energizes me and makes me feel like I’m a real, live, living & breathing life coach!

I was going to end the post here, but I do have to give myself a little feedback. Today I was still not shutting my mouth as quickly as I wanted to, but since I was conscious of it it was better than last week. But also, because I didn’t want to “lead” her, it was hard to put my thoughts together. At one point I had a sentence last about a minute, and then said “I’m not making any sense” and she agreed (but not in a mean way or nothing)! But it didn’t throw me - I just took a second, breathed, and tried again. I still think what I said was a bit convoluted, but she got it.

I think I’m getting a little bit better at this…..

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I’m grateful for having such an incredibly awesome, exciting, thrilling, first client!

I’m a grumpypants today, so of course I had a grumpypants class. Not that the class was grumpypants, but I was grumpypants about it. There was only one coaching session in class today, so it was interesting to hear a full hour being used to coach instead of the 20-min bursts we’re used to (which don’t really happen with real clients). However, I had a headache and my mind kept wandering so I don’t have anything very constructive to say. I do think, though, that the client was very frustrated and venting a lot - just talking and talking and talking. And that’s fine (Lord knows that I do it!) but the coach never really steered her back to why she was venting and what she wanted to do about it. I wanted to unmute myself and yell, “Ask her what she wants to do about it! Ask her why she’s bringing it up!” But I didn’t and the session went on without much of a conclusion I think. So I guess I learned that, while letting clients vent is good, you should be able to bring them around as to why they’re upset and what they want to do about it.

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I’m grateful today for my bridesbabes. I’m already getting stressed and they’re talking me down!

Because of my confidentiality agreement, I can’t use this blog to go in-depth like I do in my posts regarding class lessons. However, I want to use it to give myself feedback as well as describing some wins.

I just, just finished my first real live, full-length session with my first real live client! I won’t lie and say it was easy breezy - until the last 5 minutes of the call, I was actually a little down on myself with how it went. I felt like it was more of a Q-&-A session as opposed to a session, since I was following up on a lot of things she wrote on her Intake Form and was getting to know her goals, her priorities, and…..her. I felt, too, like I was feeding her things instead of letting her find them on her own, having too many sentences structured like, “What do you think about doing x, y, or z?” or saying “Why do you think you feel this way? Is it because of x,y, or z?” I’m leading the witness, your honor! I need to ask the question and then stop myself before I make it multiple choice.

One of the things I was proudest about on my mock session last week in class was that I really took what was said to me and repeated it back with how I understood it. I barely did that this week. I’m not sure if it was because of the structure (not a “here is what we’re going to work on today” but “what are you looking to work on over the next three months?”) or what, but I think that’s such an effective tool I want to ensure that  I’m using it in my coaching. I’ll make sure that, when I email Client A with my Policies & Procedures I’ll mention that every week we’ll focus on 1 particular goal, so she should have in her mind what she wants to work on that week.

I need to celebrate, though, that Client A had a major breakthrough during the last 10 minutes of class - and it didn’t come from me! This was a UAC that was so revealing, and might contribute to every obstacle that she has been facing. I didn’t even have to point out to her how major her statement was - she just stopped and said, “Ohmygosh. Wow. I’m tearing up right now, that clarifies so much for me.” And better than that, she said she was excited to go work on her challenge, and that she was going to do it as soon as she got off the phone. That to me is a huge win for both of us!

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Now it’s my turn to tear up. I’m so grateful to be able to be a life coach. I’ve become so passionate about it and it’s so fulfilling for me, that if I can make it my life’s work I’d be a happy, happy woman. I’m really looking forward to growing with this profession and shaping myself into a spectacular coach.

Karen Capello subbed for Bill today, and she made me want to free up my days to study with her! Very perky, very energetic, very positive, very insightful.

I got to be the client tonight, and it was nice to stand in those shoes again. It’s tough to really delve into your situation with 15 minutes to start and end (especially with a babbler like me), but Coach Fanny definitely helped me reframe myself more than anything. Instead of being frustrated with the wedding planning when something isn’t taken care of right away and going through each task at lightening speed (blatantly ignoring Due Dates and other handy inventions), I’m the one that needs to step back, see the task that needs to be completed and when, and communicate that to Luke. Instead of “We found a florist - now on to the invitations! Do you like Invite A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, or J?” and have his head spin, I need to say “Babe, we need to order the invites by May 15th so I’d like to start looking at some options with you soon. Can we carve some time out this weekend?” I think that would make us both saner and actually get things done efficiently and with little (OK, not-as-much) stress.

These Life Coach classes are so important because you get to hear so many different styles of coaching, while being coached and getting to coach. I have a feeling I’ll keep dialing in even after I’ve taken the required 12 sessions.

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Today I’m grateful for FreshDirect, and not having to physically go food shopping this week.