Monthly Archive

As you can see, Wednesday was a back-to-back night for me. Because I’ve been upset with all of my Jew commitments (all of the High Holy Days are in September, and either on a Wed or a Sat when I usually take class) as well as my social commitments (weddings and babies are taking up two full Sept weekends), I decided to try a twofer night. That’s right: two classes in one night. Back to back even! I admit I did it as a semi-experiment, to see if it’s something that I could handle / enjoy, but I could not and it was not. I lost focus and interest quite a bit during those two hours, even though the classes didn’t bore me in the least. I was also upset that I couldn’t find the energy - or feel like I had the time - to blog about my class right when it was over, like I’ve been committing myself to do. That’s why I’m here on a Friday night tied to the keyboard. Well, not literally tied, but ya know, I like to blog when it’s fresh. And at the ripe old age of 29.5, it doesn’t stay fresh for long!

Advanced Coaching: Creating Structures (Part 1)

Since this was the class that I took first, I’ll start with this one. I still feel weird taking a class called “Advanced Coaching” when I’ve only taken 2 other classes, but I know ICA is a free-for-all so I figured I’d try it out (another semi-experiment). ICA is right in that the class made perfect sense, but since Creating Structures was about creating a structure for your coaching business, I felt like it was way ahead of where I’m at. I have at least 4 months before I start coaching, and a class on writing your policies and procedures was a bit far out there for me (although when I just wrote that I might be coaching in 4 months - which is sooner than I originally thought - I might not be as far ahead of the game after all!).

Jim (the teacher’s) Policies and Procedures were written so well I wish he’d give us ICAers permission for the copywrite! We also spoke about standards and boundaries, and that while clients have to agree to certain things when working with you, you also have to hold yourself up to your own standards so they know what to expect.

We also got into the legal aspect of these agreements, and I’ll now definitely seek the advice of a lawyer before I submit them to my first client. While it seems far fetched for a coach to get sued, Jim gave some great examples of worst-case scenarios that really wanted to make me cover my tuchus.

Effective Feedback (Part 1)

Since Part 2 of this class was my first ICA class ever (as opposed to this, my fourth), it was thought-provoking to see how everything fit together. Again, I know that you can take Part 2 before a Part 1, but I do think that you’ll get more out of a class if you (a) take Part 1 first and (b) take Part 1 and Part 2 within a week’s time.

This class was more about feedback vs. criticism, and what’s really hard for me to grasp is that, technically, feedback is more than just telling someone your opinion. For example, if someone said, “Give me some feedback about my presentation” I would say something like “Well, the PowerPoint was point together well and looked great visually, but I got confused because you were jumping around from one point to another. You didn’t put the topics in a cohesive order, so it was hard to follow.” Well, that’s not feedback at all - that’s constructive criticism (which a class member said was an oxymoron, since anything defined as criticism automatically devalues someone).

With feedback, we’re holding up a mirror to someone and showing them how they acted or reacted, but in a neutral, non-judgmental way. So the better way to answer the question, “Can you give me some feedback about my presentation?” would be to say “You put that presentation together in a visually appealing way. I noticed, though, the you went right from a slide about the parent program to a slide about the student program, and then back to the parent program. That made it hard for me to stay on track with you.” With that example, I showed her what she did and then told her about the impact that it had on me.

This was a tough class and I feel like giving feedback is going to be a challenge for me. I’ve noticed recently that I’m very quick to want to help someone, so I’ll chime in with “advice” right away (whether it’s asked for or not). I love the idea of effective feedback, though, because I can be helping the student reach their own realizations and come to their own decisions, which make it much more powerful for them in the long run and puts lets pressure on me to have all of the answers.

Wow, these posts are getting long! If you’re reading this, thanks for sticking with me!

I realized that I forgot to put something that I’m grateful for in my last post. Today, I’m very grateful for my wonderful boyfriend, who loves me and supports me and provides for me - even if I don’t want him to. I know that I’m special because he chooses to be with me.

I find that the best way to be committed to this blog is to create a new entry right after I finish a class - it’s the very next thing I do after I hang up the phone. I was about to start this entry “I just hung up the phone” but then I realized that I’ll start every post like that!

So I just hung up the phone (sorry, I couldn’t help it)  with Jim and the rest of the world that was on the Perspectives (Part 2) class. This is my second class, and the second time that I jumped in to Part 2 before Part 1, but this proved a bit more difficult. We spoke a lot about ReFraming, which I learned a bit about from the reading, but I wish I was better prepared. I think that, in this case, going into detail about ReFraming and knowing more about the concept would have made the class  more enlightening for me. I think I’m going to try to make an effort from now on to take Part 1 before Part 2 whenever I possibly can.

So: Perspective. The reading says dramatically that “The concept of perspective is so poweful and fundamental, you can coach from this alone, without any of the other coaching techniques taught at ICA, and still be a powerful coach.” So I’m out - see ya!

Just kidding. Seriously, though, I see where they’re coming from. I know that how you view your situation, your actions, and your goals is just as important - or even more important - than taking action or making those goals. And even though a part of me groans through “Think & Grow Rich”, with the message that “If you think you will be rich - I mean, no joking around, you gotta seriously think it - then you will be rich!”, the other part knows that there’s a lot of truth in it. One of the main things I’m hoping to walk away with personally from ICA and being coached is to change my nature as an optomistic pessimist. Sure, I may seem like a big ball of funness, but that doesn’t mean that when something is going my way I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, I hope that it goes my way, but “That’s not my life. Something’s gotta get screwed up!”

Well, not anymore. I’m really going to make an effort to expect positive things to happen, and when they do, to accept them and be thankful for them. In that vein, I’m going to add one thing that I’m thankful for to my end of every post. I’m still not done babbling, though, so look for that below.

What also struck me today is how, as coaches, we shouldn’t look for what’s wrong with our client and try to “fix them”. Instead, it’s all about what they’re doing right and how they can keep on doing it that way. Even if there’s just a little sliver of right there, that’s what you grab and shine a light on. If we spend time on what’s broken or what’s not working, we’re disempowering our clients. And how can I do recognize this and practice this if I’m unable to do it with myself? The answer is: I can’t.

So, what’s working for me today? I feel grateful for the new job that I have, and the opportunity that it’s given me to work for a company that treats me well personally, professionally, and financially. And I have to recognize that, after I found the type of job that I wanted to go after and zoomed in on it (and was proactive by meeting with 7 recruiters and going on 3 interviews in 2 weeks), it was offered to me a mere 4 hours after I interviewed - a record for the recruiter that submitted me for it. So I must be doing something right.

I just finished my first session with my peer coach! If I sound excited, it’s because I am - excited for having some guidance down the road to being un-crazy. OK, calling myself “crazy” is a bit harsh, but it sometimes feels like I’m living a crazy life before I’m constantly going, going, going - and when I stop going my mind is still racing, and I feel guilty for not being “productive” every single day. I have a To Do list 3 pages long, with many tasks that have been transfered from one To Do list to another for months upon months. It leads to me just feeling overwhelmed all the time.

I know that I have to “put myself first”, but that always seemed so selfish to me. Putting myself first made me feel scared that I was going to morph into this egomaniacal monster that people - gasp! - might not like. When Joanne told me that by placing my needs first, I was being selfless and putting myself into a better position to help others, I was skeptical. It wasn’t until she asked me, “If a car runs out of gas, is it going anywhere at all?” that I just got it. I thought back to last weekend, where my boyfriend and I went to Staples to buy a shredder. We walked the 4 blocks home in sweltering heat, I set the thing up, and it didn’t even come close to working. I was livid - we dragged the shredder home, and brought it upstairs, and now I have to repack it and drag it back, AND wait on the customer service line AND drag another one back home. I was freaking out about it - it seemed like such a waste of time and effort to me - but my boyfriend, meanwhile, looked at me and said “These things happen, babe.” I saw how I was acting through his eyes, and I thought, “I don’t want to be with me right now, why should he want to be with me? Why should we waste a whole Sunday together on me acting like a ridiculous baby?” So, my car ran out of gas, and not only wasn’t I going anywhere, but I was making everyone else push me.

Another great analogy that Joanne gave me was to think about what the flight attendants tell you before you take off - if you’re in an emergency situation, put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on the child next to you. Because what good are you to the child beside you if you’re dead in the aisle? No good! So if I don’t take care of myself, my stress and tension just snowballs and effects everyone around me.

I also loved that Joanne picked up on me saying “should” when I talked about the tasks that I had to do. Not that I “want” to do, or even “had” to do, but “should” do. Having her point out to me that that’s how I was phrasing it made me realize that maybe my To Do List isn’t that important after all.

So, my Coach Request this week was to do something for myself this week that is very self-indulgent, and not to multi-task while I do it. I love this homework! I’m also going to utilize Joanne’s suggestion that I make my To Do List into a What Matters Most list. While I don’t know if I could force myself to get rid of all of those nagging tasks (sew the hole in my sweater, file that box of papers, sell that pile of stuff on eBay), I’ll highlight the Ones That Matter and make sure that it includes putting myself first.

I’m so excited to start getting coached by Joanne Hunold of In Tandem Coaching. I’ll be helping her get certified by being coached for 12 sessions, and she’ll be helping me try to balance my life, relieve my stress (I sometimes call it my “busy head”), manage my money, and learn how to say “no.” I don’t know who’s getting a better deal, but I think that it might be me!

I haven’t gotten the opportunity to speak with Joanne yet, but I immediately felt like we were a great fit. She’s thinking of specializing on work/life balance, and I feel like that’s what I need help with more than anything. I know that the overwhelming feeling that I get when I’ve bitten off more than I can chew leads to a lot of my stresses, so if I can feel like I can manage all of my committments (and learn how to say “no” to things that aren’t on my priority list) then I think a lot of that stress would just disappear.

Joanne gave me a real thought-provoking questionnaire to fill out before westarted working together, and I just finished it. So, in order to really put myself out there - and to make me feel more accountable for my goals and actions - I decided to copy and paste the whole thing here. It’s really scary being so vulnerable, but I’m going for it because I know that it will add up to a richer learning experience.

Your Goals
What are the three biggest changes you want to make in your life in the next 3 months?
1. Learn how to balance/prioritize my responsibilities
2. Learn to say “No”
3. Get a handle on my debt and start building various savings accounts

What are the three biggest changes you want to make in your life over the next 3 years?
1. Get certified and start my own coaching practice!
2. Pay off my debt

3. Only have positive people in my life, and not feel a sense of guilt or obligation to do everything that is asked of me (or everything that I want to do!)

What do you most want to achieve? And do you feel ready for it?
I want, more than anything, to start my coaching practice and become self-employed. I feel that I’m making great progress by taking a “day job” that will fulfill my financial needs while providing benefits and a 401K, and also will not be a job that I’d have to take home with me. Having this financial secutiry will allow me to build up my nest egg so that, when I feel that I have a strong enough client base and can support myself full-time with my coaching, that I can let go of my day job and stand on my own two feet!

Your History
What would you say have been your 3 greatest accomplishments to date?
1. Getting into NYU for musical theatre
2. Being proactive and taking the journey to find a new passion, and signing up for these classes!
3. Not taking my ex back after he broke up with me / being able to see who he really was and not allowing him back into my life

What is the hardest thing in your life that you have had to overcome?
I know that this sounds ridiculous, but my parents divorce at age 19 was just as difficult as a sudden break-up with my live-in boyfriend of 5 years when I was 27. My parent’s divorce happened at a time where I was starting college and a life on my own, and - while deeply upsetting to me - wasn’t as earth-shattering if it had happened when I was an adolescent.

When my boyfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me suddenly, I had to move out of his apartment (where I paid $500/mo), to my own studio (for $1100/month). Because I did well as a real estate agent the year before, I didn’t think that the rent would be problematic - but my real estate career suddenly took a nosedive. The financial burden on top of the emotional burden was crushing at times, and I fell into a depression of sorts for at least 6 months. Cutting off all communication with him, trying to pay my way, and going into the dating world after such a long hiatus were all extremely difficult obstacles for me.

Who are or have been your major role models? My Mom has been a role model for me, since she’s been supportive of all of my dreams since Day 1. Our relationship, as well as the relationships that she’s had with others, have showed me that I should treat myself with respect and not tolerate anything that isn’t “good” for me (a sour friendship, an abusive boss, etc).

Have you worked with a coach before or a similar one-on-one adult relationship (e.g. tennis coach, piano teacher, or therapist)? If yes, what worked well for you and what did not work in the relationship(s)?
I’ve had a million teachers - acting, singing, piano, dance, tennis, swimming, science tutors, therapists..it goes on and on! I think support and encouragement is key for me. I ended up leaving teachers that took my money and helped me along, but didn’t really seem so interested in me. For example, I had a singing teacher for a long time that would constantly tell me what I should and shouldn’t sing at auditions - but, after being my teacher for 7 years he never came to see me in a show! I ended up leaving because I felt that, if he didn’t know how I was getting cast and what roles I was playing, he wasn’t able to give me advice on what I should and should not sing at auditions.

What major transitions have you had in the past two years? Entering or approaching a new decade, a new relationship, a new job, a new role, a new residence, change in children’s ages/stages, etc.?
So many!

I’ve been with my amazing boyfriend Luke for a year and a half, and we moved in together this past November. We compliment each other extremely well and treat each other with love and support, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. It still amazes me to this day that we’ve never had a fight, but I think that’s a testiment to the way we treat and speak to each other.

I’m starting my 4th (I think) new job in two years on Monday (8/20/07), so it’s been quite a struggle to find the right environment for me. As I explained before, though, I feel that this new job will be great for me in a lot of ways, and I feel that I’ll be there until I get my coaching practice off the ground (whenever that may be).

I’m also about to turn 30 in January, so I think that - while I’m not depressed or upset about The Big 3-0, it has subconsciously pushed me along in making all of these life changes for myself.

Improvements
List improvements you would like to make in the following areas of your life.

Family/home life: None
Financial situation: Get rid of credit card debt; max out my 401K; start saving for my coaching practice
Career or Business life: Get on the path to make my coaching practice a full-time - and lucrative - career. I also want to put together a 1-woman cabaret show for myself within the next year, too.
Personal Character: Figure out when to say NO (even if I might want to do it all) and make sure I have the time that I need for me, for Luke, for my coaching life, my social life and my acting life (it makes me exhausted just writing all of that)!
Relationships: I’d like to be able to sever some ties with the negative people in my life without feeling guilty
Leisure time: I’d like to have more free time, where I can do what I like best - take a bath, read on my roof deck, write in my blog, etc
Self-care: See above - plus, I’d like to make exercising an automatic part of my day instead of an afterthought.
Learning: ICA should take care of that!

Your Life
Who are the key people in your life and what do they provide for you?
Luke is my best friend, and he provides a home for me to laugh or cry in.

My Mom is someone that wants to hear everything that I’m doing, and wants to support me through all of my personal accomplishments or defeats. When I put something new on my plate, or decide to make a big transition (like become a life/career coach), she wants to learn all she can about it. When I do a show, she’s in the front row on the first night, always. She’s my biggest cheerleader.

I’ve known my best friend Lisa for 17 years, and she provides me a key to my adolescence and my history.

My best girfriends, Candace, Nancy, Erica and Alexis provide me with a place to gossip, and swap dating/relationship/career stories, and plan for the future, and laugh my head off.

Is your life one of your choosing? If not, which parts are being chosen for you? I choose too much for my life! The only parts being chosen for me are some social events, where I feel like I can’t say “no” because I’d either be missing out on something fun or I feel obligated to that person in some way.

What is your favorite part of your typical day? Coming home at night to Luke. We catch up on each other’s day and he always makes me feel better about anything that might have stressed me out.

What is your least favorite part of your typical day? Waking up! Mornings are hand for me, although I’d love to start waking up with enough time to blog, take a class, or exercise before work.

Looking at the past six months of your life, do you like the direction your life is moving in? Yes

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 high, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, rate the amount of stress in your life right now. 6

What are your primary stressors? Getting everything done, especially when I was looking for a new job! At least that’s off my plate. But as of now, I’m juggling:
* my new job
* my ICA classes
* putting together my cabaret show
* exercising 3-4 times/week
* my social life
* time with Luke
* “me” time

List five things that you are tolerating or putting up with in your life at present. (examples: info. you can’t find, clutter, rude friends, poor lighting, tight shoes, dented car, job dissatisfaction, dead plants, broken equipments, old appliances, etc.)
1. a huge pile of clothes to dry clean/hand wash/sew
2. a pile of stuff that I want to sell on eBay or Craig’s List (which is just clutter right now)
3. some friends that I see out of obligation
4. trying to stay within a budget (and not have it damper my social life!)
5. not being able to find time to exercise as much as I’d like to

Yourself
List five adjectives that describe you at your best.
1. Funny
2. Personable
3. Energetic
4. Inquisitive
5. Bright

List five adjectives that describe you at your worst.
1. Moody
2. Stressed
3. Snippy
4. Rude
5. Impatient

What are your 3 major concerns/fears about yourself?
1. I won’t have a career that I’m passionate about
2. I won’t have enough money to retire with
3. I won’t “be successful”

What are your 3 major concerns/fears about life?
1. Developing cancer (it runs in my family)
2. That no matter how hard you try, it might not be enough
3.

What motivates you? Doing something that I love, or that has a pay-off. For example, I’m motivated to exercise not because I love exercising (although I love some of my exercise classes), but because I know it’ll keep me at the weight I want to be at. But, I’m motivated to get certified so I can start working with clients, because I know that it would be a great reason for me to get up in the morning.

What are you learning/accepting about yourself at present? So much! That life isn’t just about trying to make it as an actress. That it’s OK to want new things for yourself - even if it’s not the things that others want. That it’s OK to not be everything to everyone. That it’s OK to have 7 jobs in 4 years, instead of settling for something that’s not satisfactory for you. That it’s OK to lose my pessimistic streak and start turning my negative thoughts into positive ones.

Coaching You
What would you like me to do if you get behind on your goals?
Kick my butt! Not literally, because that would be difficult to do from Arizona, but part of the reason I love coaching is that you’re accountable to someone. So make me accountable!

I must say, though, that I usually am the teacher’s pet and that it’ll be rare for me not to do my homework. BUT that’s not to say that I always do it thoroughly and honestly, so feel free to call me out if you feel that I’m not digging deep enough.

How will you know when you are receiving value (i.e. your money’s worth) from the coaching process?
If I stop feeling like I need massages to get all of the stresss-related tension out of my shoulders! Honestly, I feel that coaching will have made a difference if I start feeling like I’m managing my life instead of having it manage me.

What types of approaches discourage you or take away motivation?
Anything that comes from a place that will make me defensive, or make me feel like nothing will change. For example, I had a career counselor that suggested I get jaw surgery to make my bottom jaw smaller so that I can get more acting jobs - even though this was not a concern to me, nor was it applicable to my situation. This was completely out of line, made me lose focus with the task at hand, and made me feel unattractive and unmarketable.

Are there any alterations in my natural style you wish me to make when working with you?
I don’t think so! Our emails have been great, but I promise you I’ll bring it up if I feel that I don’t respond to something in your style when we have our calls.

Do you enjoy self-assessments and improvement programs? Yes

Here are ways coaching clients use me. Which appeal to you?
x Brainstorming strategies together
x Support, encouragement and validation
x Insight into who you are and your potential
Painting a vision of what you can become or accomplish
x Exploring and removing blocks and obstacles to your success
x Accountability; checking up on goals
Working through self-improvement programs together
x Suggesting or designing action steps

Potential and Possibility
Do you have a personal or professional vision? If so, what is it? Well, in my ideal life, I’d support myself as a coach. I think I’m going to specialize in career coaching for creative types - especially when they’re looking to transition out of that work and into something else that they can be passionate about. I’d be able to have a handful on clients that I coach on the phone, but I’d love to get involved with face-to-face group coaching as well as public speaking. I’d be able to blog and would be considered an expert in my field.

HOWEVER, I don’t want to take away from my “me” time, and my acting time, and my Luke time, and my social time! So while I know that being a coach would be very fulfilling, it also appeals to me because I can manage my own time, and wouldn’t have to give up working with the theatre company that I’m a part of.

What would you like to contribute to the world? I’d like to be someone that helped people find the road to their passion. I want them to say that, because of my coaching, that they’re happy to wake up every day.

What do you think is NOT possible to achieve in your lifetime that you wish you could? Be a professional actor, and support myself at that. After giving it a go for ten years, and after coming to a point in my life where I wouldn’t want to leave the loving relationships that I have in New York, I just don’t think that it’s the right path for me.

What is a dream or goal you have given up on? Being a professional actor. I couldn’t handle the unfulfilling day jobs, and being away from the people I loved, and the rejection over and over and over again.

What part of yourself, if any, have you given up on? I really don’t think I’ve given up on any part of myself.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, rate the quality of your life today. 8

If you reach the age of 95 and continue to live your life and order your time the way you are right now, what regrets do you think you will have? (tip: complete the statement “I wish I had…”) Do not include things from the past—only things you will regret if you continue your exact present path.
I wish that I had allowed myself to see things more optomistically, and to embrace each day with an inquisitive nature and lots of enthusiasm. I wish I let go of some of the cynacism, some of the jadedness, and really embraced a new way to live my life.
Your Tastes
Favorite Color(s): Blur or red, depending on the day

Style of Decorating or Clothing (examples: Traditional, Sporty, Classic, Romantic, Dramatic, Contemporary, Eclectic…anything that describes your style): Funky. My roommates in college told me that they’d often open up my closet “just to look at all of the colors.”

Collections (if you have any): Playbills! I have a Playbill for almost every show I’ve ever seen.

Hobbies: Seeing shows, being in shows, going to the movies, eating out, shopping (although that one has to stop!), dancing, yoga

Favorite Authors, Types of Books or Magazines: My favorite book is “Marjorie Morningstar” by Herman Wouk, followed by “Stones from the River” by Ursula Hegi and “I Know This Much is True” by Wally Lamb. I love fiction books, and am now opening up to self-improvement and financial books. I also subscribe to Self and Jane, as well as TIme Out New York and New York magazine.

Types of Music you Enjoy, including favorite artists: I like pretty much anything but heavy metal, rap, and country. My favorite artists are Joan Osbourne, Alanis Morisette, Gwen Stefani, Missy Elliot, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Dave Matthews, and Fiona Apple (eclectiv, I know)!

Foods/Drinks/Flavors: I can live on sweet potato fries and plantains (although I’d be malnourished and very heavy). I also love wine and mojitos, and apple juice always makes me feel better when I’d sad.

Scents (as in, Vanilla, Berry, Old Spice, floral, woodsy, “new car”, etc.)
Orange, vanilla

Today was my first ICA class! After being reassured that YES, you can take Part 2 of a class before Part 1 (I love that about ICA), I dove in during my day off from work.

And they were right - I wasn’t lost or confused in the least bit! It was really interesting learning about what sort of feedback a client needs, and how to effectively get it or give it. I loved when Joanne (our moderator) asked us to think back on when we received good feedback and when we received bad feedback, because it brought me to all of those acting classes that I took - some that were inspiring and led to growth, and others that were just debilitating. I realized that, when I received inspiring feedback, it was because I was led to fully understand what was being told to me. For example, if I were to do a scene and the teacher said at the end, “That was horrible! I didn’t believe you at all when you told him that you loved him!”, I would immediately get defensive and shut down. But conversely, if the teacher said at the end of the same scene, “I didn’t believe you when you told him that you loved him. What was your objective right then?”, then that would get me to start thinking, and from a series of questions or exercises I would see what I did wrong, and what I needed to do in order to make the audience believe that I was in love.

And that positive, self-realization feedback is just what I need to give to my clients. Because I saw that even if I didn’t do a good job on the scene, if I felt like I had the tools to work on it and succceed the next time around, then I would feel good about myself and the direction that I was heading in. And isn’t that how everyone wants to feel? Isn’t that how you help and inspire people?

One of the other students said that it was also key to ask open ended questions, so the other person isn’t left with just answering you with a “yes” or a “no” or a “good” or a “bad”. The teachers/mentors/bosses that have helped me grow did the same thing. They would never ask, “So, what do you think?” They would say, “So, what’s the next step?” or “What are you going to work on this week?” or “How are we going to achieve this?” And even if they were bringing up something negative (”I didn’t believe you when you told him that you loved him”), I wouldn’t see it as such because they would say it objectively, not judgementally. It came from a place of support, and that’s what made me want to keep going.