Get Off Your Tuchus

I know, I know - I skipped Part 2! But I didn’t feel worse for wear for it. I was still able to follow everything and didn’t feel like there were pieces missing, so that was a good lesson to learn.

I feel like Re-framing is one of the most important foundations of coaching, so these classes are so important. What we spoke about today could be summed up in the question “What causes you to think that you’re right?” Immediately my mind went to “upbringing and experience”, but Angela mentioned culture as well. What else can explain all of these 18 year old entrepreneurs? And people getting married and having children a full decade  (or more!) after their parents before them? It was an interesting piece of the puzzle.

I also liked how Angela spoke about reframing a client’s perspective by having them relate from their heart and not from their head. She worked with a client who was very frustrated by a co-worker’s behavior. When Angela asked her “What do you think might be going on with this co-worker’s social life to make him act this way?” the client responded with a whole slew of depressing things that she knew were going on in his personal life. She couldn’t be sympathetic, and instead said “If it affects his work he should just take a sabbatical.” Angela then asked her client if she ever went through a personal situation that was painful and depressing. When the client responded affirmatively, Angela continued:

“Did you stop working?”

“No.”

“Were you good at your job?

“I’m not sure.”

“Why didn’t you stop working?”
“Because I wanted to throw myself into my work to distract me from my personal life.”

The client made that statement and immediately starting crying. THAT is what connected her to her co-worker, and it wasn’t until she “saw it from her heart” that she was able to reframe her perspective and relate to him.

This is honestly making me want to try and reframe every thought I ever had!

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I’m thankful today for the ability to take a step back and breathe.

Reflection
Think of one situation where you are being challenged right now. How can you manage this situation to make a positive experience for all involved? My work environment just changed drastically. Instead of being able to be social, we were told that our department is too loud and we must now use our “library voices”. This is hugely challenging for me, as my “library voice” can still be heard clear across the room! Also, as an extrovert who finds pleasure and enjoyment in the company of others, it’s very stifling to be in an almost silent area for 8-9 hours/day. In order to make this a positive experience, I should (a) stop voicing my complaints, as that never helps anyone feel better, even if I think it’s a bonding tool with my co-workers (b) ensure that I take a full lunch hour to get out of the office and talk!

Think about situations in your life when you have had to deal with difficult people or challenging situations. It may have been in your family or business environment, or in some other situation. Now that you are able to look back with distance and wisdom, what do you think was the cause or basis of the situation? In all of my previous jobs, I’ve had to deal with emotionally abusive bosses - one would curse and punch the wall in his office when something went wrong, while the other would belittle me constantly and make me feel like I wasn’t doing a good job - ever. In looking back on it, I realize this is not a personal reflection on me - this is how these men would have behaved to any employee. It’s an ego/power trip for them, and I believe that they liked to assert their power in this extremely negative manner. Now, even though I support someone who could be as abusive as them (but in a different way), I’m able to distance myself from it and realize it has nothing to do with me. It helps me keep things in perspective, and it actually makes me feel sorry that this man has to resort to this behavior. He must be missing something great and important in his life to make him act this way!

None of us are perfect, think of a time when you have been the challenging client or person. How did you feel and why did you react the way you did? What insight did you learn from this experience? Admittingly, I’m the challenging client when I call my IT department. They have such a bad attitude there that I put myself of the defensive when I call there. Although, if I look at it the other way, I only call them when something is wrong/broken and I’m frustrated, so they might be reacting to my attitude. Huh. So, if I wait to take a deep breath before I call them, and don’t immediately treat them as if they’re not going to help me (which they have about a 70% success rate of doing), then I might get somewhere with them. Double Huh.

It’s really odd, working with more than 1 coach. I like it in order to see different coaching styles and approaches (and Holly definitely has similar personality traits to me), but it’s tough not to compare side by side. I feel like working with Holly will be as beneficial as working with Joanne, but I’m going to come to my realizations in a different way. With Joanne, things would often smack me in the face (for lack of a better way to say that). With Holly, I feel like things will come out in a more roundabout way - but I can distinguish in my blabbering what she’s asking me and how I need to change my thinking.

It was nice to talk and clear my head about all of my To Dos that are making me bonkers, and actually giving voice to my wants. I definitely saw a new perspective in giving wedding To Dos to my pre-husband (maybe he’s asking for things to do because he wants to be involved!), as well as breaking things down and asking myself what has to be done this week. If it doesn’t have to be done, then I’m not gonna do it! Is something on my To Do list for that day and only that day? No? Then close the To Do list and come back tomorrow!

The blinders are going on as of……….now.

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I’m grateful today for the way that spring in NY feels.

The “problems” I have with Client A (and I put problems in quotations because it’s ridiculous calling them problems!) is that she knows what she wants, she knows how to go after it, and she’s extremely proactive about it. What “problems”!

I know that coaches are here to help clients get unstuck, to give them a new approach to obstacles, a different perspective. With Client A, I’m trying to see where the obstacles actually are, since they’re buried under a lot of enthusiasm and positive changes. I try to sometimes find the question, and realize that she already has the answer!

I felt really good about today’s session, though, because I did feel like she cleared her head a bit. There are so many big, exciting changes that are occurring for her that she admitted to her actions being a bit cloudy. I definitely was better today in restating what I heard and interpreted - both in her voice and in her words - as well as listening and not talking so much (or as much as I would usually do). And she did find (another!) important piece of her life that she wants to change, and I love the fact that I helped her get there.

Y’know, I know that I still have a long way to go, and I was so (so!) nervous about coaching someone, but I think as soon as my sessions with Client A end I’ll look for a Peer Client almost immediately. It keeps everything in perspective.

10p classes are tough for me. It’s hard to concentrate and I get tired about halfway through. I hate to say it, but the 7a classes might work better, if I wake up at 6:15 and am still able to head out to work at 8:15a. I can treat it like a gym day. But will I be more alert at 7a? Only one way to find out…..

Today we spoke a lot about having a client be accountable, and what our role is as a coach is order to ensure the client’s accountability. Merci’s take - which I agree with - is that coaches should just show up and bare witness. That’s enough to keep a client accountable. Pretty easy. So far we got:

* Show up

* Bare witness

Let’s add

* Don’t judge when there isn’t accountability

Easy rules to live by, in theory. But honestly, it’s a cut-and-dry topic. Part of the reason clients come to you is to be held accountable. But I liked when Merci told us about a quote from some dude that generally said, “Your client is going to get where they are going with or without you. The reason that they have you help them get on their way is that they want to get there in the most productive, efficient, enjoyable way possible.” People who seek out a coach are not the type of people to not hold themselves accountable. So if you have a client that isn’t able to follow through with a commitment they made, it might not be the right time for them to be coached.

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In keeping with this theme of accountability, I want to hold myself accountable for paying attention for the entire hour I’m in class. No searching the web! I hate admitting this (I’m judging myself!) but my mind wanders, and I go into Facebook, and I go on the ICA site to see what other classes I want to take and….I missed a major point. No more!

Client A had another breakthrough today, and I’m telling you - there’s nothing more thrilling. It literally sends chills up and down your spine, and you have to just breathe and say “Did you hear what you just said?” When your client responds with “It’s huge” it’s just - major. You know why you’re devoting your time and energy to being a life coach. Two breakthroughs in 6 sessions is a nice batting average

I do still need to focus on saying less and questioning more. That’s my new mantra, in coaching and in life.

Say less. Question more.

The noise in my head is getting out of control. The Usual Suspects are all coming around - time management, having to be productive every moment of every day, having my To Do list stressing me out, feeling like I have no time to myself, bouncing from one task to the other without getting anything done - and they won’t just let me be.

I did such great work with Joanne and I’m pissed that it’s slipping away. But, to my credit, I realized all this stuff is making me nutso / stressed / crazy and I reached out for a new Peer Coach. I just finished my first session with Holly, and although we’re both Chatty Cathys I think it will be a good fit. We start “for real” next week, and I’m looking forward to see what she’ll bring to the table.

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Today I’m grateful for wanting to change and having the self-respect - and cajones - to do so.

For those of you not familiar with the term, re-framing is basically a shorter way of saying “Looking at something through a different vantage point.” I was really excited for this class, as I think that re-framing is a huge part of coaching and I think it’s something I need to help my current client with.

For me, the greatest tidbits I got from this class was all of the questions you can ask to help you shift your perspective:

* “What is this situation asking of you that you haven’t yet called forth?”

* “How can you turn this around and grow from it?”

* “What do you give your attention to? What do you wish you can give more attention to? Less attention?”

* “What’s your intention when you do this?”

* “Put aside what you don’t want. What do you want?”

We spoke a lot about attention and intention, and how you need to shift both of these in order to re-frame a situation. We also gave some time to the Law of Attraction (although we didn’t call it that), since the things you give your attention to seems to grow & grow, and the things that you don’t give attention to will eventually whither & die.

I know that when I have my next session with my client I will ask her to picture the situation, take herself out of it, observe it, and describe what she sees. As a challenge, I will ask her to take a mental picture of what happens when she finds herself in a situation where you wants to change her way of thinking. What is she doing? How is she feeling? What does she want to feel? Since I know that she journals before our time together I’ll ask her to journal about these moments the day they happen. Angela made a point to not try to do anything about this, but just observe. I’d be interested in seeing what she comes back with.

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Today I’m grateful for a work environment where I’m finally being looked out for.

Tonight we discussed how to hold yourself, and your clients, accountable - and how to handle it if we/they are dropping the accountability ball.

It has taken me a while to see the difference about being committed to something and being accountable. And while I always thought that you can be accountable to yourself, the definition of “accountable” states:

1: subject to giving an account : answerable <held her accountable for the damage>

2 : capable of being accounted for : explainable

So, being accountable means that you have to answer and explain yourself to someone. So you can’t really hold yourself accountable to yourself. I never saw accountability that way before.

Take, for example, a week or so ago when I woke up early to go to the gym and my fiance stayed in bed and slept. Since he committed himself to going to the gym with me in the morning when I wake up early, I could have held him accountable for not joining me (but I didn’t, because he’s so cute when he sleeps and I hate waking him up). And if he didn’t go and I lost my motivation to go and slept for another hour, then I could have held him accountable - he didn’t own up to his end of the bargain.

If my fiance was my client, I would try to see why he didn’t hold himself accountable for waking up early, and I have a feeling it would tie into commitment. Is he really committed to this goal of losing weight? Why or why not? What got in the way of having him be accountable for this action?

It’ll be interesting to see where the next 2 parts of this class go.

Reflection
What are three things in your life that you have committed to and achieved? In no particular order: (1) Getting my Equity card (2) Finding a sweet, amazing man to have a loving, committed relationship with (3) Getting into NYU for musical theater

What are three things you have been trying to achieve for a long time but haven’t yet? (1) Being on Broadway (2) Getting an agent (3) Working for myself

Why have you been able to achieve the things answered in question one and not in question two? That’s a tough one. I want to say that #1 are more attainable goals and #2 are harder, but I know that some people would think otherwise! I feel like I put as much effort into trying to get an agent as I have into getting into NYU, but I’m starting to think that it’s a question of timing. Not to sound all hippy-dippy, but I’m really convinced that things happen at a certain time for a reason. There was a reason that I met my pre-husband when I did. There was a reason I got my Equity card when I did. Maybe it’s just not my time to be a Broadway star. Or maybe I’m just not marketable enough yet for an agent to get behind me. Or maybe I need to pay off my debt and build my retirement fund before I start working for myself.

What structures do you have in place to support you in your commitments? My To Do list and the activities I put in my Palm Pilot all keep me on the path to my goal. The friends and family that I surround myself with are all very encouraging and supportive, and follow through when I ask them to inquire about my goals - it’s a great push to reassess where I am and keep going.

Can you think of any UAC’s you might have which empower you and make your life better? I’m a planner, some might say to a fault, but I try to map everything out and schedule all of my To Dos, which allow me to see my goal. I also get very enthusiastic about a new project that I take on, so that carries me through. Because of my perfectionist streak, I tend to make sure that everything I put my name to is….well…perfect, but I can argue that putting myself behind high-quality work is empowering.